Monday, April 24, 2006

Do you sometimes wish people knew?

I came here to blog nearly a year ago. I thought it would be a place where I could feel free to talk about whatever I felt, you know, the things you can't tell just anyone but somehow, here, you can tell everyone. Instead, I started blogging as a way of communicating with a few people who I didn't know well but needed to know better. That's been a great benefit of blogging... unfortunatly, it also caused me to guard my posts and I don't want to do that because I feel like I need this release. So, inspired by Dooce and Haggis, two women who are open about their struggles with two very different illnesses, my own struggles will become a part of this place. If you are uncomfortable, please don't stick around. If I know you and this will affect our already weird relationship... please don't stay here. I value the friendships we've built here.


So, here is my first post about my "emotional struggles"
As evidenced in the above photo, things have gotten worse. I haven't done anything like this for ten years, I haven't felt like this in as long. I feel so embarassed to be doing something I associate with my high school self. It'd be like having a BFF to play MASH with and being totally serious about it!
I think my struggles with depression started at a pretty young age, of course nobody recognized it as such and so I became the crazy one in the family. In a lot of ways, I think I became a sort of scapegoat as well. If I'm fighting with my dad, it's because I am lazy and have a bad attitude not because he's controlling and has an explosive temper and an innate mistrust of anything female thanks to being raised by an alcoholic mother and schizophrenic grandmother. So I did not receive any kind of counseling until I was 17 and *wouldn't* stop cutting myself (because I was so rebellious). I was sent to counseling when my parents *threatened* to get me counseling and I said okay, please. The counselor I saw was so ineffective, we never talked about anything beyond how I was feeling at the time. I think we had ten sessions, ending when I realized why I was self-harming. It was a major breakthrough, although the counselor didn't even realize it. I saw her a year later at a church thing and she introduced me to the famous guest speaker she was chatting with as a former client...nice, huh?
I think that's as far as I will go for now...I do plan to lay out my whole history here, partly because I need to do that to help get an accurate diagnosis for once. In the meantime, I've scheduled a thorough physical for Thursday and I'm seeing my psychiatrist next Tuesday. That's on top of the counselor I see every Saturday.
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3 comments:

  1. I don't know what to say. But I wanted to say something. Just so you know that you aren't writing to an empty room.

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  2. Thanks, I've had emails, it's very kind of everyone.

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  3. oh Sarah, I'm so sorry.

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