Thursday, May 04, 2006

I'm so dizzy, my head is spinnin' Like a whirlpool it never ends...

...and it's you, Lamictal, makin' me spin
Okay, I know that was totally lame. I was on Lamictal (a mood stabilizer) for ten days. By the eighth day the side effects were unbearable. I thought that if I knew they would go away I could power through it but the psych said that he was concerned about the mood related side effects. So now I'm day 3 off of it and still dizzy, nauseous, irritable and weepy. At least I'm not seeing things anymore...
One of the hardest things about being any kind of sick is when you have to rely on the people around you. You start to wonder where the breaking point will be for them...you wonder what they might be saying when you're not around. What if Jt gets tired of me...what if my friends are only being nice because they feel obligated. The hardest thing I've done in all of this was to tell the girls I'm really close to. I knew some of them would be amazing and supportive but in a group of ninish people, there are going to be those who don't really believe there's illness involved and you just need more faith. There has been a little of that but I was prepared for it. Mostly I was just tired of feeling like I was hiding something really big from the people I am closest with. You tell yourself over and over, "It's not me it's the illness" or in the case of this past weekend, "This is not me, this is the medicine" But what if it never gets better. What if they don't find the right medications.
I thought that since I had a good diagnosis, it meant things would get better. I guess I was dreaming, thinking that I could just take a mood stabilizer instead of my usual SSRIs and yummy Klonipins and... problem solved. I failed to realize how very different these kinds of medications are. Sometimes it creeps me out and I want it out of my brain and of course I start to think that the illness itself isn't all that bad. It's rapid cycling and my depressions haven't lasted more than two days. Hypo-mania can be nice, I get to be super-mom for a week or so. The house is spotless, I don't need much sleep and I have the energy to spend lots of quality time with the offspring. Okay, so it seems nice but remember the first season of Desperate Housewives when Lynette was taking ADD meds? Yeah, that's why it's not so good.

1 comment:

  1. Hey, thanks for such an honest post. For so long, people with different kinds of depression have just suffered silently - it's nice to realize I'm not alone.

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