Thursday, April 27, 2006

Death of an Uncle-Part 2

Well, I'm feeling a little different now...no big surprise since my current diagnosis is bipolar II...plenty of lame jokes to follow, I'm sure.
Last night, I let myself think of fond memories of my uncle. There were times that were good and while they were tainted by his sins, there was good there. I have begun to seperate the good from the bad again, like we did in those days.
In the daylight, when we were stable, we were just kids, and we had so much fun. I remember how he gave us pizza money while we were up on the roof. And took us to the haunted trail, which was so lame, but still, my first haunted anything. I remember when I got my kitten from his neighbor and he thought of her name, October, Tobi for short, because it was the tenth month and she was black and orange...she still lives at my parents' house. I remember when he still worked at Builder's Square and he brought home Pete, the tiny (really tiny) chameleon that had hitched a ride on one of their tropicals.
So, while the bad memories are still there...his death has given me the freedom to forgive him completely and stop blaming him for every bad thing that his children have gone through. Even though his crimes against me were relatively minor, he hurt someone I love and sometimes that's harder to forgive. I've had nightmares in the last year of her as a smaller child, and he was coming to get her and I was holding her and trying so desperatly to keep her safe but I knew he would get us anyway. I demonized him under the guise of protecting my children when in reality he just made an obvious vessel for all my monsters.
I believe I was right to be cautious with my children but I loved my uncle and I kind of wish I could have told him.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Now THAT's Funny

I could not come up with any clever, biting remarks about the new press secretary, so here's some heresay from Popehat:
I think my favorite line about Tony Snow becoming the new White House Press Secretary is "Do you think he gets back pay?" I wish I remember where I read it.. I think Tom Tomorrow...

Death of an Uncle

So, my uncle passed away this morning. Such mixed emotions. I'm glad he's gone, partly because he was suffering and I know he's in heaven...and if he can be redeemed, we all can. I think I'm mostly just relieved that I don't have to worry about him anymore. He doesn't have to be a part of our lives. No more decisions about taking the girls to family gatherings, no more long discussions before we go on what to do if...(if he wants to pick up the girls etc) No more feeling like we're the only ones there keeping an eye on him around so many children.
I'm also glad that he's probably facing God...at least at some point here, and God's gonna say, "You hurt my children" and Bob can't hide from that anymore. And then maybe God will smack the shit out of him like I asked. We'll see.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Moving Forward and Looking Back

To start a little further back, I think I had some depression as a "tween". I remember my friend, Jessica coming over one day and when she got close enough to see me clearly, she was horrified. "Oh my god, I thought your hair was wet when I first walked in...when was the last time you washed your hair?!" Yeah, it had been a few days and it hadn't even occurred to me until then. I was too busy watching Stand By Me over and over and eating nothing but saltines and instant, flavored coffee. The funny thing is, I know my mom was in the kitchen when Jessi-kaka (my pet name for her) pointed out the obvious...but my mom had not said a peep about how strange I was acting.
Throughout my life, I've wondered what was "wrong" with me. When I look back on it now, I'm prone to wonder what was wrong with my parents. There were classic indicators of (sexual) abuse when I was a small child that continued into adolescence. I wonder, did they really believe that I was just "off" or something? I've learned that my mother can convince herself of anything and will not be swayed once she has...yes, they are "Justice Sunday" republicans!

Monday, April 24, 2006

They're furry!


These tulips are from our backyard, in fact, they are a good 40% of why I wanted to buy this house. Here's a tip for you, it's a good one: Do not impulse buy a house
Still these tulips may be worth it.

Do you sometimes wish people knew?

I came here to blog nearly a year ago. I thought it would be a place where I could feel free to talk about whatever I felt, you know, the things you can't tell just anyone but somehow, here, you can tell everyone. Instead, I started blogging as a way of communicating with a few people who I didn't know well but needed to know better. That's been a great benefit of blogging... unfortunatly, it also caused me to guard my posts and I don't want to do that because I feel like I need this release. So, inspired by Dooce and Haggis, two women who are open about their struggles with two very different illnesses, my own struggles will become a part of this place. If you are uncomfortable, please don't stick around. If I know you and this will affect our already weird relationship... please don't stay here. I value the friendships we've built here.


So, here is my first post about my "emotional struggles"
As evidenced in the above photo, things have gotten worse. I haven't done anything like this for ten years, I haven't felt like this in as long. I feel so embarassed to be doing something I associate with my high school self. It'd be like having a BFF to play MASH with and being totally serious about it!
I think my struggles with depression started at a pretty young age, of course nobody recognized it as such and so I became the crazy one in the family. In a lot of ways, I think I became a sort of scapegoat as well. If I'm fighting with my dad, it's because I am lazy and have a bad attitude not because he's controlling and has an explosive temper and an innate mistrust of anything female thanks to being raised by an alcoholic mother and schizophrenic grandmother. So I did not receive any kind of counseling until I was 17 and *wouldn't* stop cutting myself (because I was so rebellious). I was sent to counseling when my parents *threatened* to get me counseling and I said okay, please. The counselor I saw was so ineffective, we never talked about anything beyond how I was feeling at the time. I think we had ten sessions, ending when I realized why I was self-harming. It was a major breakthrough, although the counselor didn't even realize it. I saw her a year later at a church thing and she introduced me to the famous guest speaker she was chatting with as a former client...nice, huh?
I think that's as far as I will go for now...I do plan to lay out my whole history here, partly because I need to do that to help get an accurate diagnosis for once. In the meantime, I've scheduled a thorough physical for Thursday and I'm seeing my psychiatrist next Tuesday. That's on top of the counselor I see every Saturday.
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Friday, April 14, 2006

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Gizoogle

This is fun. Click here to see mine and then do your own!
Update: The link to my daughters' blog is now called "My Bitchez"