Monday, December 24, 2007

Linkadoos and Photo-fun

When I was a kid, I loved it when we drove into downtown (Kansas City)
and passed the neon sign "Ho-Made Chili"

I know this is shopped but I would buy it!
(some for soup, some for ice cream)

I am not making any judgment by posting this. I respect their right to live how they choose and even the decision itself...I'm just sayin', they got no beef with me. But this is hilarious.

Italy just says no to TGIF I feel sad for these parents! What if we couldn't have our Vegas or Kenai?

Love the coyote...envy the writer.

Because I love graffiti

Found a shirt I liked but it's retired and out of stock. Guess I'll make my own...
Normal is relative
Just not my relatives
That's it for now as I don't feel like talking...peace on earth ya'll


Wow, I hope his hearing aid was turned off...
Today when Jt's dad called, I thought it was his little brother. So when I answered and he said, "Ho ho ho!" I said, "Who you callin' a ho?!"
Not what I would usually say to my father-in-law. I'd say it to my own dad but that is totally different.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Leave of Absence seems my computer has a super-bug of sorts. The Geek Squad (clever gimic but I feel like I'm slamming someone when I say it) has been working on it remotely for three full days now. They refuse to give up, probably has something to do with the money-back guarantee.
Right now I'm at my sister's place on her computer which is also under the weather. Why am I here this late on a Friday night? Because I found a truckload of mold in the girls' closet today. This comes only two weeks after we returned from North Carolina and Kenai went into major seizure mode for a full week after having none for eleven days. When we thought about it we realized that only two of her seizures have been outside the house. We started looking for environmental triggers. Immediately I locked on to the crazy-high levels of humidity in our home. It seemed like the most obvious difference between our home and other places we frequent. So of course I packed up the four children in attendance and went to one of their houses for the afternoon. The lovely spouse is on the attack back at the homestead while the girls and I crash here. Here. At this clean. wonderfully open and uncluttered apartment. This is not a large apartment by anyone's standards but it is still bigger than our little house!
In other news, our boarder and her son have found an apartment and will be moving out soon. So at the end of December we'll be back to only four people in our 782 square feet; around the same time, we'll see jt's impressive 12% raise. After that, we have Kenai's surgery on February 20th. That's such a huge cloud over us right now I can't wait until it's over. I don't want to go through it, I don't want her to go through it...but I want to be on the other side of it much sooner than they've scheduled.
So, I'm going to sleep watching my sister's cable (yea Keith Olberman!) and I'll check in again the next time I get access to a computer.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

I'm Just Grouchy from the Mono...

Have you ever had one of those illnesses that lasts long enough that you have to function with it? Obviously I know some of you have (or do) and worse than my little bitty mono fer sure.
Want to know what irritates me more than having to function at regular capacity? All the "good intentions" of those around you. You know the ones. They insist you get more rest but don't offer to come watch your kids. The ones who keep telling you that you're doing too much. All the good intentioned people who apparently believe you to be incapable of determining where to draw your line. It usually sounds something like, "I know you really care about____, BUT" or "I know you think it doesn't add much stress to your day BUT" Followed by what they think you shouldn't be doing because you're sick? Notice too that it's never something involving what you do for them. Certainly they shouldn't expect you to cut that out. After all, you're functioning normally, you're just tired and irritable.
And they just have your best interest in mind.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Current Favorites

We just finished season one of Heroes. I had seen part of one episode but I didn't want to get hooked on another show. I clearly didn't know what I was missing. And I'm in love with Peter Petrelli. Not Milo Ventimiglia, mind you. I mean he was cute as Jesse and all but Peter Petrelli...I have literally had dreams about this character. It has something to do with what another fan said once about how it's not like a "superhero" show but a show about normal people becoming heroes. Okay, I butchered that but you get the point.

I can eat most of what Julia posts, I can I just don't. I've quit my job but still can't find time to cook...or I don't want to, who knows. I can try to eat some of the things Caress makes (or at least posts, I usually eat what she shares) Our tastes are very different...although I did thoroughly enjoy the meal you brought us recently; did you use tahini? Anyhow, here's one of mine. It's a family recipe that no one in my little branch will eat but me, I end up sending it home with my mom. We've always called it Spanish Chicken but I'm not sure how accurate that is, ethnically speaking. It's never been written down so this is how I make it.

4-5 pieces bone-in chicken-whatever kind you like
2-3 small cans of tomato paste-unless you’ve got the fancy kind, we only use Contadina
Large jar stuffed green olives
16oz bottle of beer-you know minus a swig or two
Garlic Powder
Hungarian Paprika

Generously sprinkle the chicken with garlic and paprika
In a slow-cooker, whisk together paste, beer and juice from olives
Mix in olives and add chicken
Cook on low about 6-7 hours or on high about 4-5 hours
Bone the chicken-my mom left the pieces whole but it’s way easier to eat if you tear it up and serve it as a pasta dish
Serve over penne (barilla’s mini penne is good too), I recommend Bella Terra organic whole wheat-the first whole wheat pasta my husband would eat.
You’ll find that you want to adjust things to your taste. More paste for thicker sauce, two jars of olives if you love olives…

Last but not least, the last movie some of you would expect me to recommend...

I've always been a huge fan of Christina Ricci. I don't even know when it started. Casper, Addams Family...Pecker sealed it, love the movie, love her in it. Admittedly, she reminds me of my big sister, I'm just not sure why. Anyway, I LOVED this movie. I loved it so much I watched the DVD extras, and I don't mean the gag reel. Watching the "making of" piece was so interesting, I watched it twice. Justin Timberlake is in it...and it's obvious he's trying to sound all deep and "non-sexy-back" but what he says really is good. Like, you can tell he gets it. What I didn't know before I watched it was that the same guy, Craig Brewer, wrote and directed Black Snake Moan and Hustle and Flow. He's cool.

My favorite scene/still for reasons I can't begin to explain tonight...

Good Things Come in 3's Too

Lost this and had to redo it...
A blog survey from E, who'd've thought it?
Thanks for this funtime/ignore the children/I love to talk about myself...activity!

3 things you WILL do in this lifetime
Spend at least a year getting my hands dirty for human rights
Learn how to (really) cut hair
Go organic (all the way)

3 songs with lyrics that have made you cry
Shadowboxer (Fiona Apple)
Footsteps (Pearl Jam)
Everything (Lifehouse)

3 tv shows you enjoy watching (old or new)
West Wing

3 dreams you had that didn’t come true but you’re okay with that
To be an FBI agent (a la Clarice Starling)…okay, that’s still a dream, but just a dream!
To be a social worker…Phew, dodged THAT bullet! Thanks to poor (read: NO) family planning!
Having boy babies…I thought I wanted boys

3 places you go/have been where you found a sense of peace
Burning Man
Smith Mountain Lake
umm…to sleep, well sometimes

3 minor regrets in life
Not taking better care of my skin
Not keeping my weight down when it was easier
The time we were on a bus back from camp and a guy didn’t have enough money for breakfast and I knew I should get him something but I chickened out

3 cliches or common phrases you tend to believe are true
Don’t tempt fate -I was convinced my plane was going to crash on the way to Burning Man because my parents didn’t want me to go.
Absolute power corrupts absolutely -Hit home when I watched Dogville and The Magdalene Sisters within a two week period.
Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Kenai is A-Okay

Kenai is doing very well. Kids are sooo amazingly resilient. I'm working on a recap that I'll post all the way around and send out in an email.
In short, Wednesday: seizure, seizure over 10 minutes, ambulance ride with mommy and Elliet, CT scan, dilantin, IV, admitted to hospital. Thursday: MRI, tiny spot on brain not tumorous... probably not progressive-followup MRI in 3 months, will treat seizures with trileptal, MRI shows scoliosis, Xrays done, vertebral abnormalities, blood drawn for chromosomes. Friday: consult with neurosurgeon-vertebrae 2 & 3 fused together and 2 ribs fused together, 30 degree curve in cervical spine (you can see that her head tilts to the right or when straight up her right shoulder comes up), followup MRI and CT scan next week, results will determine whether we followup with neurosurgery or orthopaedics, chromosome results back in two weeks, go home!!

Just for Us, Em

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Double Entendre

"And so, Senator Larry Craig...goes down."

~Terry Moran's closing statement in his coverage of the Craig fiasco (nonsense btw)
I nearly choked on my chalupa.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

And many more...

...On channel four, and Scooby Doo on channel two
Happy birthday to you, you live in a zoo, you look like a monkey and you smell like one too.

No, I'm not drunk, swear. I think I have mono but that's neither here nor there. I'm never entirely sure what that means "here nor there" Seriously, no alcohol in my system at all.
Things are looking better around here. All charges were dropped against my friend, such a relief. The one with the thyroid tumors has a preliminary finding of benign.
My birthday was great. My sister is the coolest. She set everything up, really Jt should be kissing her feet since he didn't have to do much at all! The whole thing was a surprise. Sunday afternoon they told me to pack an overnight bag, then Em picked up me and Flipper. We drove up north a little and pulled into a hotel...that's when I saw the Civic with the KY plates and started squealing. Em had arranged for Jen to come up(!), huge surprise.
We settled in and had a little vodka and cranberry (except Flipper of course!) and played a game of Loser (fun!) Then we headed out. First stop was a pitcher of the best margaritas around. Then we went over to one of our favorite Mexican restaurants where a few family members were waiting. Family members, as in grandparents...yeah, next time Emily, the margaritas come after family time! I was a little wobbly (okay, just short of falling over) when we met up with the family. Fun times.
We went back to the hotel and went swimming. With Flipper there we had a lot of fun actually playing in the pool. I mean, when's the last time you did dishwashers and handstands or had a tea party sitting on the bottom of the pool?!
We got back and watched a movie and played another game of loser.
In the morning, they dropped me off at THE upscale salon for my mom's gift to me, a massage. So nice.
All in all it was great. I like being 30, somehow it makes me feel more legitimate. I don't really know what that means. Still, having Flipper around makes me feel so young that 30 sort of balances things a bit. I feel good I guess is what I'm saying.
Here's a picture or two...

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Life hits the fan

I gotta unload this shit somewhere. I've been seeing a kick-ass chiropractor for 3 weeks. I've had severe pain in my back for 2 months. When we weren't getting anywhere, she encouraged me to get an x-ray and see my regular physician for some blood work. See, I had other strange symptoms develop around the same time. My nails became very weak rather suddenly and exhaustion like I've never felt came to roost. I can sleep 8 hours at night, take a two hour nap and still be desperately struggling not to nod off at work or while driving. The x-ray showed scoliosis but that doesn't really explain anything. Feeling achy this weekend, I took my temp on a sort of whim. It's Wednesday night and I've been running a low-grade fever since Saturday (at least).
Okay, so that's kinda freakin me out. Blood was taken Tuesday so we'll see what that shows. In the meantime I feel like SHIT.

But life doesn't stop for shit, does it. You all know that.

My friend's father has terminal cancer that started as melanoma a few years ago...the injustice makes me want to scream. Maybe shake my fist at God just a bit. My own father had melanoma removed from his nose this past February. Two bloggers I feel akin to have both had spots removed. My boss just had spots removed.
Another friend has tumors on his thyroid. Yeah, I said HIS, only 20% of thyroid tumors occur in men. They will remove one, check it right quick and then, if it's malignant, take the other one off. Either way, he'll be on medication for the rest of his life. His wife is due with their 3rd baby in October.
A good friend was arrested yesterday. She is a great mom, actively serving in our church and a dedicated nurse. After working 3rd shift Saturday and Sunday nights, she came here and watched my kids, as she does every Monday, then went straight back to work from here at 3. She was supposed to work until 11 and normally would not agree to a double shift but her patient was not doing well and her replacement called off. She felt she couldn't abandon her patient and so agreed to stay until 6am. Coming home Tuesday morning, a little tired you think? She got home, gave her girls some breakfast and while she hoped to make it 'til their naptime, she just couldn't and she fell asleep. If you are a mother and you are honest with know this could happen to you. The girls, ages 2 and just under 4, left the house. Explaining to their parents later that they were "going to school". The older one even had her little backpack on. They walked to the elementary school around the corner and were found there by teachers. This mother, my friend, woke to find her children GONE. I'll give you a moment to imagine that happening to you. She called the police. They came straight over and slapped handcuffs on her. They told her they'd never seen anything so terrible (really? what could possibly be more terrible than two healthy girls sneaking off to play while mom takes a nap?! I wonder) It gets worse. The kids pictures were on every news channel followed by footage of their mom on the "perp walk". The cops called the media who "shockingly" sunk their teeth in before anyone even knew what had happened. She was taken downtown to sit in a holding cell for 12 hours. Her husband picked up the kids and finally posted bail and she was released around midnight. Now she is not allowed to be alone with her children and could lose her nurses license. Speaking to local social workers I've learned that these things happen ALL THE TIME. CPS doesn't even open a file on the family unless there is a separate, glaring issue; like if they get the kids home and mom's high or something. If those teachers had called 241-KIDS instead of the cops, none of this would have happened. And yes, of course she will still be my regular sitter. Just as soon as the cops clear her to be alone with children.
This afternoon my father fell off a ladder. The ball of his femur jammed into the socket, fracturing the pelvic bone. Good news is, no surgery. Bad news? He does manual labor for a living. Oh, and also, he thinks he's perfectly capable of driving and that he won't need anymore vicodin after today. The doctors admitted him overnight (bc he's obviously mental) to monitor him and be certain he can walk properly with the crutches because if not, he could do serious damage.

You know what though? It's all okay really. My dad is not terminally ill. I haven't been arrested since 2000 ;). Mikey probably doesn't have cancer but if he does, it is (I quote) "the best kind to get." We're doin' just fine, there's a lot going on in the lives of the people we care about. There's a lot I feel grateful for:
Jedd and I are heading to San Diego in a few short weeks...I'm saving Harry Potter to read the first three days while Jt is in meetings and I'm in THE QUIET HOTEL ROOM. ALONE. It's like a dream.
My kids are healthy. (Prayers going up for new bebe, Conrad Patrick)
And there's funny videos all over the internets.

There's a few thousand parodies of the original SNL parody of what may be the best worst soundtrack EVER.

This is one of about four favorites...I'm partial to this one because it was such a memorable episode of LOST. If you have time to kill and can't understand why you find yourself laughing hysterically at these videos that are really not that funny (uh, the song is now my ringtone). Look up "dear sister parody" on youtube and find your own favorite. Check out the LOTR one and the rice krispies one first!

Tuesday, August 07, 2007


Later that afternoon...
Alright kids, no more seizures or other weirdness. What a huge relief. This photo was the same day of her seizure. Jedd's brother came straight up from Louisville when he heard. I might have already mentioned that my sister beat us to the hospital as well. The news also spread through our church so fast that they prayed for Kenai during the first service and by second service people were coming up to Flipper for updates. It really is something else when people get a chance to come through for you. I mean, my sister GOT UP at 8 on a SUNDAY MORNING! Mike had plenty he needed to do at home with his own family but he made the hour and a half drive without hesitation (we didn't even know he was coming!) My friends offered to let me out of all social obligations.
We've had a long 3 months of struggling with people NOT coming through so this really was a good thing for us.
On that note, we still have houseguests. The best houseguests EVER but it's sooo crowded. Know anyone that wants to buy a tiny, 2 bedroom?

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Check It

So far so good. Kenai has not had another seizure. She had an EEG yesterday and she was SOOO good for it. I might have gone off the deep end if we had had to restrain her like they thought we would. The technician thought the test looked good but we still have to wait to hear from the doctor. Feeling good about things though. Just wish I would stop seeing it in my head.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

When Bad Things Happen

My Kenai had a seizure this morning. She is okay now but we're not sure why she had it yet or if she will have more. For now she is sleeping with us...except she's not much into cuddling and had to go to sleep in her own bed before we could sneak her into ours. Totally backwards right?! Some tests to do still but most likely it is just one of those weird things and she won't have any more or it's epilepsy. Seems we won't know more than that until she does or doesn't have any more.
Most of ya'll know I've been through my fair share of shit. Holding this vibrant angel while she went through this was the most terrifying and most awful and most...sickening thing. I couldn't stop crying while we waited for the ambulance and I called my sister and my boss while Jedd held Kenai. I looked up and saw Flipper holding her son so close to her and I knew how she felt. You know when you see something happen to someone else's child you have to hold yours a little tighter? It's a weird thing to see from the other side.
A good sermon from last week is actually helping me through this. It was about courage and how David had the courage to face Goliath. He recalled the times God had done things before and that brought him peace. I remember when I was 7 1/2 weeks pregs with Kenai and woke up bleeding. For days (holiday weekend, couldn't get an ultrasound) I was numb; hoping she wasn't, but certain she was, gone. He came through for us then and I can't describe the feeling of seeing her little heart beating so strong. I'm hanging onto that right now and I feel sure (now that she's out of the seizure and I'm not wondering if she'll die) that we will be able to handle whatever this turns out to be, even if it turns out to be something. I have peace I know only comes from God...though I'm still not sure I'll be able to sleep tonight.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Long Overdue

This shirt was Jt's Father's Day gift (even though he just got it!) These are some pictures of him earning the title!

Second Annual Sabin Girls Weekend!

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

If Only I Were an Elephant

They never forget. The last post reminded me that I had not passed along this video, the funniest video, the one I've watched a few times now just because it always makes me laugh.
Sorry for the delay.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Rained Out at Taste

These are some pictures my sister got on her phone after a downpour at Taste of Cincinnati this weekend. We took the girls and went to see Over the Rhine. They played for about an hour before the rain chased them off. You know it's a good rain when OTR has to stop playing!

And a great picture of Charlie thrown in for good measure.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Did you get this email?

This is funny, not last year's google search "failure" funny, but worth doing anyway!
Google Maps
Get Directions
New York to London
Step #24 or so, you'll see it

The Good Part About Seventeen

"My parents keep asking 'How was school?' its like saying 'How was that drive-by shooting?' You dont care how it was, you're lucky to get out alive." ~Angela Chase, "My So-Called Life"

Man, I lived for that show when I was 17...but here are some of the good parts of XVII (in case you've forgotten)

Having random pictures of yourself with your friends. I can never seem to find pictures of myself anywhere anymore. It's always just the kids.

Entertaining yourself for hours with a toddler's dress-up bin.

Only pretending you should be institutionalized, not actually feeling like you should be!

Posing for a picture looking cute instead of like something from Rocky Horror!

Monday, April 02, 2007

For Reader's Digest Fans - That's Outrageous!

Kindergarten Girl Handcuffed, Arrested At Fla. School
March 30, 2007
AVON PARK, Fla. -- Police arrested a 6-year-old Florida girl and even handcuffed her when she acted out in class. Police officers said Desre'e Watson, a kindergarten student at Avon Elementary School in Highlands County, had a violent run-in with a teacher on Thursday.

School officials said they were forced to call the local police department, who cuffed the child and put her in a police cruiser. The little girl's mother is angry and said her daughter is usually very respectful.
"I was very upset about that and I feel like they violated my baby's rights," Wilson said.
The chief of police said his officers did the right thing.
"When there is an outburst of violence, we have a duty to protect and make that school a safe environment for the students, staff and faculty. That's why, at this point, the person was arrested regardless what the age," said Chief Frank Mercurio, Avon Park Police Department.
The kindergartner was booked in the Highland County jail and was charged with a felony and two misdemeanors.
Copyright 2007 by (click for original story)
(emphases mine)

I've used safe restraining techniques on much larger children...when I was a much smaller person for that matter. I didn't even know you were allowed to arrest a six year old. I really have nothing else to say about this.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Wait for it...Wait for it...

The whole thing will bring a chuckle or two. But the last line...the last line. That's why he's Chris Rock.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

You Know it's True

You know he's even cuter than your kid, hell, even I know it! ;)

My other nephew Luke!

Monday, March 19, 2007

Tee (hee) Shirts

I found this small (but rapidly growing) Ohio-based web shop, Look At Me Shirts. I found it at Christmas and ordered my sister's boyfriend an "Even God Hates the Steelers" shirt. They are mostly Columbus/Cinci-centric shirts (yes, the touchdown Jesus has a shirt)

This is a onesie we wanted badly to get
for our friends' newish apologies to them,
I won't pay more for a onesie than I will for a grown person's shirt.

I have this one. In fact, they had the slogan
but not the shirt and I emailed and asked them
to put it on a shirt. I like to think I have some influence...don't blow it for me.

This one's funny...I wouldn't wear it or anything. But it is funny.

There's not a soul in Cincinnati that wouldn't get this one.
I don't know if it's that way everywhere but the great "fast food fish flood"
didn't really hit us in Kansas City.
I think it's cute, and even though I'm sensitive, I can't decide if
it's offensive. Of course, it's Cincinnati, so probably not.

And now the piece de resistance:

This one is from t-shirt hell, the place where you go to laugh at things your mother taught you not to laugh at... This is the only shirt I've ever (and only for a millisecond) considered getting from there. If you follow the link, prepare to be offended.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

I Wanna Cut Hair

This is my friend, Flipper. You may have seen her adorable son, Jayden on my other blog. Wish I had a before picture for you but this is after I cut and styled her hair for her. I LOVE cutting hair!

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

See That Bandwagon?

Yeah, I'm on it. Must be a Spring thing, seems like all o' yall's changing your templates. So I got the bug. Had to do both. Not ashamed to admit I had to consult Blogger for Dummies more than once. But they'll do for now.
What I really want to talk about is Barack Obama. There is just something about this guy that makes me want to lean back and say, "I'm all in." Is there a real chance here? My Mom (bless-her-heart-conservative) told me the other day that the Dems were lining it up so that it would be Obama running as Hillary's VP. Nobody's that stupid. I made her take it back.
Tell me what you think. About Obama, about the new 'do, check my other page, see what you think of that.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Conversate With Me

Go here and tell me (or get in on it over there) what you think.
Learn a little more first at

The basic discussion is regarding this particular church that is doing a series on what it would really be like to have the Kingdom of God here on earth. What would it look like, how would it feel to be a part of it? Last Sunday, the message was on receiving. How can you fully experience the Kingdom of God on earth if you cannot accept help or gifts from your brothers and sisters? They included a radical object lesson. Let's see what you think.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

What About Jon?

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy The Colbert Report. But come on, Jon Stewart's the better comedian with the better show by a long shot. So why is everybody so googly over Steven Colbert? It's not that I think he doesn't deserve his own ice cream but what about Jon? Where is Jon Stewart's ice cream?

"I'm not afraid to say it. Dessert has a well-known liberal agenda," Colbert said in a statement. "What I hope to do with this ice cream is bring some balance back to the freezer case." (Yahoo News story)

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

It's Not All Lost

This world reminds us everyday of its evils. You can't miss it. It's only Tuesday and so far this week I've seen footage of John Cooey in the courtroom facing the death penalty and a picture of a dead baby in Gaza. They show that helicopter full of American soldiers falling out of the sky and I can't help but see those boys in my mind. It seems they'll never stop talking about the three adults involved in the murder of Marcus Fiesel. It's him we should remember, but it's them we can't get past. It's these things but it's the everyday things as well that really get under my skin.
It's the lack of community, the way people don't say "hi" in passing anymore. Rarely do you strike up a conversation at the grocery checkout that doesn't involve complaints about the slow service. Are we all afraid? I mean, for the longest time I wanted to bring something to the new neighbors to say welcome...never did, too nervous. Our neighbors consist of: Elderly Lady next door with Really Nice Son who feeds our dog treats (don't know their names), Couple our age on the other side with young daughter we always wave and smile (don't know their names...except the daughter), one over from them is Nice Old Guy with Little White Dog that he adores (don't know his name or the dog's, even though we pet her every time she comes by).
Here's the worst part. Nice Guy With Dog and Nice Old Rich Guy on the other side of him get out their snow blowers and do their driveways and that of the nice couple next door to us. Nice Old Guy With Dog has always gone about halfway down the sidewalk in front of our house because that's how far his dog likes to go for her walks.
This year, they've started doing our driveway and even the walkway to our porch. It's so humbling. It is exactly what I had hoped to always hold onto from Burning Man. This grand sense of community. When we lived next door to our great friends, we had one lawnmower between us. Whenever he mowed or I mowed, we always mowed both lawns.
I wish it was always like this.
I just finished an apple spice cake for Nice Old Guys and this time, I'm taking it over there.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Still Breathing

I've been gone. I've been busy. No good excuses really. Just a new job. That is, another job, not a new job to replace an old one. The great thing is, I LOVE this new job...the not so great thing is that we are officially one of those overcommitted families. I'm running around like a maniac and my family's left in the whirlwind...surrounded by dirty dishes and piles of laundry.
So then you try and figure out what to cut out, but I can't find anything just yet. And I've been blue. There's no other way to put it. Maybe melancholy, whatever you call it, for a person with depression, it's all "make sure you have the crash plan ready!!!" I read my sister in-law's post on quietness today and felt it completely.
It started when an old friend came into my life rather unexpectedly. I had not seen or heard from her in nearly a decade and I loved her in a way I've never loved anyone before or since. She wanted to talk! She wanted to know how I was! She heard I had kids! She was recently married!
And then she ended it. She sent an email full of strange, religious language and said goodbye. She said that God wanted us to have contact just so she could apologize to me (for what?) and goodbye. I didn't understand, I told her that, is this goodbye again, for good? She said that it was and she "released me in Christ." And my heart broke and I landed in bed for two days... seriously, Jedd had to stay home from work. I had also ramped up too quickly on a new med which may have had something to do with it.
The same week I lost this "friend" again, my small group was hit with some huge turmoil that left us wondering if we'd stay together. This is big to me because I have been with these girls for 2+ years now (a few have come and gone). I started attending after at least a year of almost complete solitude. Just me and new baby. No friends to speak of, no support, nothing to do but watch Ellen and, well, get fat. I was also as far from God as ever and had major trust issues. The relationships I formed in this group were the first real intimacy I experienced. Not that my marriage is suffering but there is just enough trust lacking to keep full intimacy at bay.
These girls convinced me to get into couseling, never judged me--even when I got brave enough to give them this blog address--they have cried with me and prayed with me and brought me food and shown me support. And when I learned how to trust them, I learned how to trust God.
And then it all nearly fell apart. Proverbs 30:33 says "For as churning the milk produces butter, and as twisting the nose produces blood, so stirring up anger produces strife." This is what happened in our small group. I ended up so angry with one woman that I began saying terrible things about her. I couldn't believe how bitter I felt toward her, it was vile, and it hurt.
Coincidence? Someone had said something about me! Someone in the group was upset with me and with the help of a friend, I turned it into something awful. I knew the ridiculousness of the situation. Here I am, a firm believer that it's only fair to tell a person when you're upset with him so he has the opportunity to set it straight. But I couldn't bring myself to go to the person I was angry with.
Sunday night we sang "I Surrender All" and I made it a surrender of my anger. I couldn't let go of it myself but I knew God could take it. By Tuesday, the love was back and now I'm just looking for the opportunity to talk to my friend and "repent" so to speak, for harboring anger.
Tuesday evening a friend came to me and said, "Hey, I was the one who said something about you." And I was so relieved! I guess I would have felt that way no matter which of them it had been because I looked at her and I understood how she felt and why she felt that way. I knew she wasn't being malicious and that within the context of the conversation, what she said was appropriate. And we love each other.
So, relationships healed. That's the theme this week. And it beats the themes for the previous weeks...there was "Taking Jedd to the hospital via ambulance" week. There was "side effects of afformentioned too much meds" week (more like month) Then there's "close friend loses baby early in pregnancy" week also called, "why can't I stop crying when it wasn't my baby" week (which is also becoming much more than a week)
I feel heartbreak. And I feel renewal. Seeing relationships heal is nothing short of amazing.