Thursday, February 01, 2007

Still Breathing

I've been gone. I've been busy. No good excuses really. Just a new job. That is, another job, not a new job to replace an old one. The great thing is, I LOVE this new job...the not so great thing is that we are officially one of those overcommitted families. I'm running around like a maniac and my family's left in the whirlwind...surrounded by dirty dishes and piles of laundry.
So then you try and figure out what to cut out, but I can't find anything just yet. And I've been blue. There's no other way to put it. Maybe melancholy, whatever you call it, for a person with depression, it's all "make sure you have the crash plan ready!!!" I read my sister in-law's post on quietness today and felt it completely.
It started when an old friend came into my life rather unexpectedly. I had not seen or heard from her in nearly a decade and I loved her in a way I've never loved anyone before or since. She wanted to talk! She wanted to know how I was! She heard I had kids! She was recently married!
And then she ended it. She sent an email full of strange, religious language and said goodbye. She said that God wanted us to have contact just so she could apologize to me (for what?) and goodbye. I didn't understand, I told her that, is this goodbye again, for good? She said that it was and she "released me in Christ." And my heart broke and I landed in bed for two days... seriously, Jedd had to stay home from work. I had also ramped up too quickly on a new med which may have had something to do with it.
The same week I lost this "friend" again, my small group was hit with some huge turmoil that left us wondering if we'd stay together. This is big to me because I have been with these girls for 2+ years now (a few have come and gone). I started attending after at least a year of almost complete solitude. Just me and new baby. No friends to speak of, no support, nothing to do but watch Ellen and, well, get fat. I was also as far from God as ever and had major trust issues. The relationships I formed in this group were the first real intimacy I experienced. Not that my marriage is suffering but there is just enough trust lacking to keep full intimacy at bay.
These girls convinced me to get into couseling, never judged me--even when I got brave enough to give them this blog address--they have cried with me and prayed with me and brought me food and shown me support. And when I learned how to trust them, I learned how to trust God.
And then it all nearly fell apart. Proverbs 30:33 says "For as churning the milk produces butter, and as twisting the nose produces blood, so stirring up anger produces strife." This is what happened in our small group. I ended up so angry with one woman that I began saying terrible things about her. I couldn't believe how bitter I felt toward her, it was vile, and it hurt.
Coincidence? Someone had said something about me! Someone in the group was upset with me and with the help of a friend, I turned it into something awful. I knew the ridiculousness of the situation. Here I am, a firm believer that it's only fair to tell a person when you're upset with him so he has the opportunity to set it straight. But I couldn't bring myself to go to the person I was angry with.
Sunday night we sang "I Surrender All" and I made it a surrender of my anger. I couldn't let go of it myself but I knew God could take it. By Tuesday, the love was back and now I'm just looking for the opportunity to talk to my friend and "repent" so to speak, for harboring anger.
Tuesday evening a friend came to me and said, "Hey, I was the one who said something about you." And I was so relieved! I guess I would have felt that way no matter which of them it had been because I looked at her and I understood how she felt and why she felt that way. I knew she wasn't being malicious and that within the context of the conversation, what she said was appropriate. And we love each other.
So, relationships healed. That's the theme this week. And it beats the themes for the previous weeks...there was "Taking Jedd to the hospital via ambulance" week. There was "side effects of afformentioned too much meds" week (more like month) Then there's "close friend loses baby early in pregnancy" week also called, "why can't I stop crying when it wasn't my baby" week (which is also becoming much more than a week)
I feel heartbreak. And I feel renewal. Seeing relationships heal is nothing short of amazing.


  1. dang it, why can't life be more mundane and even-keeled? Unfortunatley, life often seems like an endless series of ups and downs. Despite the hardship you guys have been going through lately, it seems like you've weathered it and come to some really good conclusions. I applaud you for coming out on the other side. Ok, now this is turning into an e-mail . . .so I will

  2. SOOO glad you're back! I was getting bummed every time I clicked and saw no new post!
    And I really like your sister's site too. Thanks for that link.
    E :)