Friday, February 06, 2009

Grace in Small Things - Day 16

1. Okay, today, right now. This just isn't working for me. My husband is sick. He's sick in the kind of way that could be nothing or it could be something and we won't know for a little while. Tests have to come back, new tests have to be ordered. I have a finely honed ability to remain completely calm on the outside when shit happens. When Kenai had her first seizure I was a rock. I was totally calm. On the outside. I took care of her the right way. I immediately had Jedd call 911. When I was pregnant and had symptoms the whole world relates to stroke I was serene. On the outside. I bragged to my friends about how I didn't cry when I was arrested. Even after they moved me out of holding and into a cell of my own. Holy hell was I freaking out. When someone broke in to our apartment and held me at knifepoint? Well, it's silly how proud I am of how the first thing I did was yell at the guy to "get the fuck out" And when the dog came in, I snatched the opportunity to put distance between myself and the intruder. Then when it was a month later and I still could not sleep at night, I took calm, reasonable baby steps. I made myself sit up all night in my room instead of at the table where I had a view of both the front and back door. Then I closed my door and stared through a crack in it all night. Then I turned the lights off. The point is, I can maintain my outward calm. But the truth is that I have to remain calm on the outside because I'm afraid that if I don't, I'll really lose my shit. I've always feared I would lose my shit in one way or another. But I have no idea what that even means. So you see, I'm not brave or calm under pressure, I'm just great at faking it. So I'm chill right now. On the outside.
On with the list. It's pointless if I can't do it now.
We have access to good medical care and the insurance to cover it

2. Kenai will be one year seizure free in March

3. Three perfect little girls

4. A clean bathtub

5. Grilled salmon


  1. health insurance is a great one - I couldn't go freakin horse-back-riding (even though I'd been looking forward to it all week/month, the practical side just had to creep in. We would be up the freakin creek if something happened-I know he's right dang it) whine, I want health insurance again.

    seriously, I hope Jedd's okay. love across the miles.

  2. I sure hope Jedd's okay. You're in my prayers.

  3. kinda funny, kinda ironic, that same night, I was thinking about Jedd, and if he was okay, coming down the stairs and fell down the last 3. I busted my knee, and all I could think of was crap, please don't let it really be busted, I don't have HEALTH INSURANCE! :)

  4. See! I was gonna tell you that walking around was probably more dangerous than horseback riding but I didn't want to get in the middle of something!
    Can you guys get medicaid?

  5. Yes, probably, but Jeremy wouldn't dream of it. Well, that was before. The other day he was like, "we can get food stamps, right?" But I'm pretty sure he was just joking.

  6. It's there for you, you know? You pay taxes and all so that people like you can access these services when needed. There is no shame in using it, we did for a little while when I was in high school and dad was out of work.
    Have you heard of Angel Food Ministries? Look it up, it could be perfect for you guys, we're thinking about using it as well.