Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Lest You Think I'm Not Grateful

What say we take a break from the deep, dark, ugly, macabre, despair that is my's a post about the many things I'm loving right now.

Today we went for a picnic! It was a last minute idea
since we were already picking Kenai up from her field trip.

There were strawberries

There was a visit with my internet turned real life friend
and her awesome kids. I LOVED hanging out at her house.
She's awesome and normal and lovely and cool.

Not to mention she has the cutest kids EVER

Then there's this little one, my latest charge.
At barely 6 months she can hold herself in a sitting
position without help, at least for a little while!
She's already got teeth and she's rocking on her hands and knees!

She's the sweetest baby ever.

Then there's this new guy. Mr. Birdie Fantastico.
Yes, that's his real name!

He's starting to like me a little bit and that makes me so happy.

Then there was this. A real highlight.
Over the Rhine at Canal Street Tavern.
With new songs even! It was beautiful.

Elliet brought me this note the other day, she had
transcribed it for Kenai:
"From Kenai. To Mommy. Dear Mommy, I am so sorry.
Do you want to know why? Because I wrote on my arm.
I forgot I was not supposed to.
Please, please, pretty please forgive me.
After I wrote on my arm I knew I wasn't supposed to.
Love, Kenai"

If they made all their confessions this way they'd never get in trouble!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Why I'm Drinking

Tonight, Jt tried to stay up with me to prevent me from drinking too much and from cutting myself. The problem is, these are symptoms of something bigger and more evil than the blood he sees. The pain is huge, overwhelming. When he tried to stay up with me and we talked it out...I bawled my eyes out for like an hour. This is exactly what I'm avoiding with the drinking and the cutting. Jedd doesn't understand, I don't know how he could, but he's trying. But tonight he made it worse. I cried and I felt shame and that intensified my need to cut.
I wish I could explain this. Not only to you but to myself. I don't get it. I'm frustrated and angry. Is it possible that something happened when I was TWO FREAKING YEARS OLD fucked me over forever? Jt says it won't be forever. He thinks this is it. I'm gonna go through this and then I'm gonna find the end. There will be no more cycle. There will be an end.
It's hard for me to believe because I've been through this so many times. I'm so sorry that Jt has to go through this, it's not fair to him. My kids know that something's up but for the most part I try and make their days normal.
In fact, I stay "normal" all day and then as soon as they go to bed, I drink way too much and then I cut myself more. It used to be about the scars but now it's about the blood. One day I'll be okay. Maybe this is it. Maye this is the therapist that will help me get where I need to go in order to heal. Maybe. I hope.
I love my life. I love Emily, I love Jason, I LLLOOOOOVVVE Jedd, I love Flipper, I loooooooovvve my girls, I love my little doggy and I love my birdy. I love my friends, IRL and on the internets.
One day I will be able to love these things without the caveat of my past hanging over me.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Once More, With Feeling *trigger warning: cutting*

So. Per the homeschooling post we're doing awesome! But.
But I'm not so well. As in not-so-well.
I went back on meds and day five everything was suddenly "shiny new world, huzzah!" and then about 6 weeks later I crashed even harder than before the meds. I need to be honest here. I'm drinking to excess every night. Taking a mixture of pills as well. And cutting myself. There is a gash on my arm that I re-open most nights.
I finally got in to see my psychiatrist and he upped my meds and gave me a therapist referral. I saw the therapist and she way rocks. She's young, younger than me, and pretty and normal. My counselors have always been the kind who wear trousers and eat lots of canned food. She was incredibly supportive and she gave me hope like I haven't had in years. She gave me hope that maybe we'll find the truth and I'll heal and maybe this stuff will go away. Maybe one day there won't be a cycle, there will be an end.
I'll spare you the photos of my arm this time. You're welcome.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Finding Our Feet

Getting Started
So, the homeschooling got off to a bit of a rocky start. We had a couple of good days and then a solid week of awful plaguey puking death germ. One after another we all went down. Then my mom came over to help us pick up the pieces (read: do the dishes and wash more sheets) and the next day SHE got it. It was baaaaaad. So no homeschooling that week. But the funny thing is that Elliet's not behind! No "five packets of eight pages each to do *if we can* so she gets caught up". Nope, we just pick up where we left off. It's a beautiful thing. Sometimes I drive past her old school and I can't believe the relief I feel at not having to drive there. Even greater, the relief that Elliet isn't sitting there doing those eight page packets every day.

I found this journal at Target that she uses almost every day. Each sheet is blank on top and then lined (for early writing) on the bottom half.

(picture stolen from Mead)
When we read through the book about the White House and the Obama family she used the notebook to write down words she didn't understand. We used the list of words to learn how to use the dictionary and then reviewed the words for vocabulary. She also drew a picture each day to illustrate something she learned. She loves art and I love being able to incorporate it into her learning experience! As we progressed in the book and had already uncovered most of the new vocabulary, Elliet started writing about what she learned instead of writing words. She wrote about why it would be cool to live in the White House and drew a picture of herself bowling. She drew a picture of Bo the dog and wrote about how he likes to play with people's feet. She's reading about Clara Barton now, she reads two or three pages and then we talk about what she read. We are going through ABeka Math, I'm still undecided about this curriculum but it's pretty nice. I LOVE the Primary Language Lessons book.

(These images stolen from Amazon)

She uses her journal to do a lesson each day. I usually break them in half though because they are written for 2nd grade and up. The lessons are rather quaint and the grammar is very traditional. I like this, I think that much of today's curriculum is "dumbed down", particularly in the language arts.

Our "Schedule"
My favorite part of this whole thing is our schedule, and I use that term very loosely. We get up in the morning and do breakfast, no yelling, no rushing, no packing. The girls get dressed and usually go play outside for a while. I use that time to do the dishes, play with Ziva and check-in online. The girls are in and out, I may take Ziva and go out with them for a while, fill the bird feeders, somewhere in there the kids have a snack.
Lunch rolls around and the kids eat and then Kenai and Ziva go for naps. During naptime, Elliet and I do her school work. This usually lasts two to three hours with a few breaks mixed in. When she starts to feel overwhelmed she can go outside for a while. On rainy days she likes to play the Wii or watch a movie.
When everybody is up from naps there's another snack followed by something pretty similar to our morning. Sometimes there is schoolwork to be finished, sometimes Kenai wants to do a page from her pre-K writing books. Sometimes we go to the library or the grocery store. I think I could do this forever but our plans are totally up in the air and will be based on what each child needs each school year. Kenai will be in Kindergarten this fall at the same co-op that Elliet attended. I really love the teacher and I think it is important for Kenai to get out and be around other kids in a structured setting.
This is what is working for us right now, who knows what the future holds!

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

More Hipstamatic Photos

This looks like it belongs in one of my mother's old photo albums



Monday, April 05, 2010


Really loving this Hipstamatic iPhone app.