Tonight, Jt tried to stay up with me to prevent me from drinking too much and from cutting myself. The problem is, these are symptoms of something bigger and more evil than the blood he sees. The pain is huge, overwhelming. When he tried to stay up with me and we talked it out...I bawled my eyes out for like an hour. This is exactly what I'm avoiding with the drinking and the cutting. Jedd doesn't understand, I don't know how he could, but he's trying. But tonight he made it worse. I cried and I felt shame and that intensified my need to cut.
I wish I could explain this. Not only to you but to myself. I don't get it. I'm frustrated and angry. Is it possible that something happened when I was TWO FREAKING YEARS OLD fucked me over forever? Jt says it won't be forever. He thinks this is it. I'm gonna go through this and then I'm gonna find the end. There will be no more cycle. There will be an end.
It's hard for me to believe because I've been through this so many times. I'm so sorry that Jt has to go through this, it's not fair to him. My kids know that something's up but for the most part I try and make their days normal.
In fact, I stay "normal" all day and then as soon as they go to bed, I drink way too much and then I cut myself more. It used to be about the scars but now it's about the blood. One day I'll be okay. Maybe this is it. Maye this is the therapist that will help me get where I need to go in order to heal. Maybe. I hope.
I love my life. I love Emily, I love Jason, I LLLOOOOOVVVE Jedd, I love Flipper, I loooooooovvve my girls, I love my little doggy and I love my birdy. I love my friends, IRL and on the internets.
One day I will be able to love these things without the caveat of my past hanging over me.
6 years ago