Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Why I'm Drinking

Tonight, Jt tried to stay up with me to prevent me from drinking too much and from cutting myself. The problem is, these are symptoms of something bigger and more evil than the blood he sees. The pain is huge, overwhelming. When he tried to stay up with me and we talked it out...I bawled my eyes out for like an hour. This is exactly what I'm avoiding with the drinking and the cutting. Jedd doesn't understand, I don't know how he could, but he's trying. But tonight he made it worse. I cried and I felt shame and that intensified my need to cut.
I wish I could explain this. Not only to you but to myself. I don't get it. I'm frustrated and angry. Is it possible that something happened when I was TWO FREAKING YEARS OLD fucked me over forever? Jt says it won't be forever. He thinks this is it. I'm gonna go through this and then I'm gonna find the end. There will be no more cycle. There will be an end.
It's hard for me to believe because I've been through this so many times. I'm so sorry that Jt has to go through this, it's not fair to him. My kids know that something's up but for the most part I try and make their days normal.
In fact, I stay "normal" all day and then as soon as they go to bed, I drink way too much and then I cut myself more. It used to be about the scars but now it's about the blood. One day I'll be okay. Maybe this is it. Maye this is the therapist that will help me get where I need to go in order to heal. Maybe. I hope.
I love my life. I love Emily, I love Jason, I LLLOOOOOVVVE Jedd, I love Flipper, I loooooooovvve my girls, I love my little doggy and I love my birdy. I love my friends, IRL and on the internets.
One day I will be able to love these things without the caveat of my past hanging over me.

9 comments:

  1. I'm sending thoughts and prayers your way. My heart goes out to both you and JT. I've been in JT's shoes and it's so hard, no it's not hard it is a living hell. I have never experienced what you are going though, but my husband has been through it over and over. It's a miserable hell for all involved and I wouldn't wish anything like this on anyone. My husband says the pain and struggle are so unbearable. I can only imagine the strife. We love you! I hope this can be the END of this struggle and that this new therapist will help you through. Hang in there! JT you hang in there too. ST, let this bring you and JT closer. I know it's hard, but he loves you very much, I can tell! What a strong wonderful man you have!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you, it is always helpful when you know someone else who has been through it. I think it is especially hard for the partner because they don't always get the outside support that they need.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You know what's weird? I didn't even know I wrote this post until the comment from my cousin showed up in my email. That's pretty bad.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I am thinking of you. I am so, so sorry you are in such pain. Forget the shame, it's of no use. You are a thinking, feeling, beautiful person who is in pain. My heart goes out to you. I hope you get through to a better place soon.
    Jac

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hey again, just wanted you to know that my heart is with you. I told J today that I wanted to fly up there last night. If you really need me to, I will come. I know there are no easy answers, no easy end. It's the getting through, it's the people who make up our life who love us enough to stay despite the pain. It's those same people who make us press on towards the light "one more time!" I don't know where your specific pain comes from. I know that with me, I go through cycles and levels. I do feel like I am better than I've ever been, but that doesn't mean that I won't go through another low. I know that I will. Does that mean I don't have faith? I hope not. I do believe in true healing. I just know that life is real, and pain is real. And as humans, it's hard for us to forget and scars run deep, it takes so much time to heal. I do think that as you continue to work through things more healing will come, and peace with it. All this to say, I know your pain is real, and I'm sorry for it. We surround you and walk through "hell" with you, and will still be here on the other side to laugh with you and shoot the breeze. I wish you happier days and safe nights. (I'm just worried. I don't want you to hurt yourself. I want you to be safe. Honestly the idea of you hurting yourself hurts my heart. Please find a way to keep yourself safe. However you and Jedd need to work it.) You are loved and precious.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I know you hurt. I know how awful the situation is. I know the pain and torment are real. It's so hard because most people do not understand that what you feel and what you think, especially in these hard times is so real and very much intensified. I wish I could be there to help you. I want to give you a huge hug and tell you this will all be okay. I know we don't know each other very well, but my heart breaks for you and JT and the girls. If there is ANYTHING, I mean ANYTHING I can do please let me know. Much love and concern, Beth.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hang in there kiddo. JT will never understand, it's amazing that he wants to, but he can't. Sometimes seeing the incomprehension or the slight glimpse of *why can't you just get over it* kills you. Meds work, therapy works, you will be OK.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I don't know if this will help you. It helped me last week when I was down. My prof showed us "The Last Lecture" in class and it stuck with me over the last week and gave me strength. It's over an hour long so if you'd like a little intro before watching it, here's an 8 min intro with some background on Randy Pausch. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDIf4D4SQFo&feature=related

    Here's Randy Pausch's "Last Lecture": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

    Still thinking of you.
    ~Jac

    ReplyDelete
  9. Thanks everyone. It really does help more than you know.

    ReplyDelete