Wednesday, May 12, 2010

How are YOU?

Well, I'm doing a smidge better. I haven't cut myself in three nights now but I did peel off a scab tonight. Then I drove to Kroger for cigarettes. I guess it feels like the lesser of evils right now.
See, what's happening is I'm supposed to be reading my journals from the last time I went through this. What did I learn? What is something that triggered me that we haven't figured out just yet? But I am so terrified to do that. If I read tonight? What will tomorrow be like? Today was hard enough what with being sleep deprived and probably hungover.
I don't know how to do this. I wish there was a right way to do this while you have small children. I want to get past this before they get too effected by my illness but I am afraid to go through this while I am in charge of their well-being.

I don't want to know what I'm dying to know.


  1. How long ago was 'the last time.' I have had a lot of questions for you recently but I do not want to intrude, so feel free not to answer... I know this is all very personal.

  2. I'm wondering if you should wait to read your journals until you're with a counselor or someone who can talk it through with you. If you read it at night, I would think that it might keep you up and you need sleep. Maybe it would be better to read through it with someone who you trust and who can be supportive or even just sit by you. What do you think?

    I know it's tough to process this stuff and be a Mom. You can't always shift gears when the kids need you. I know. Maybe since you are on a good path, you shouldn't test it yet. Think self care right now.

  3. Hi Michele, the last time was about 4-5 years ago I believe. I could be off but I think it was right after Elliet turned two. Ask away, you can email if you'd like.

    Jac, thanks. I feel like on some level I have to accept that there will be consequences during this time but that life will be better when I come out the other side. That said, I was so freaked out about the journals that I got myself too drunk to read them.
    I'm not good for the kids right now, I'm just not all there and I have less patience and more of a temper. I need to get through this though or it will just keep coming back, you know?
    Good suggestion on the journals, maybe my husband can sit with me while I read. I want to have something done before my next session but I'm thinking I'll just read what I can Friday night because then Jt is home with the girls the next day and all I have to do is go to therapy.

  4. If you're that freaked out by the journals, then maybe you aren't ready to read them yet. Be gentle with yourself. If you just can't read them before your session, then maybe you could read them in your session. Whatever is right for you. DO it at a safe pace. If you need help with the kids while you process, is there someone that could help you? I'm so sorry this is really tough on you. I hope you find the answers that you need soon. You've been in agony over this for so long. Hang in there.

  5. It is killing me. And I don't say that lightly. But to have PTSD from childhood and to always have this cycle? I have to break out. My in-laws said they could keep the girls for a week or two. We'd have to drive them to NC but it might help. My parents and my sister are really busy with work and no one around here. Though I do have a friend who would probably be happy to come over every afternoon after work to let me nap. I may ask her this week.

  6. You don't know me but I came to your blog through Mother Talkers.

    You don't owe me any answers, so take this as a rhetorical question maybe to consider on your own sometimes when you are feeling up to it:

    Did you start cutting again before you started taking the meds or after? The reason I ask is because I used to take medication for depression, and when it wasn't working the doctors kept upping the dosage. Before I knew it I was diagnosed with all kinds of additional disorders, such as trichotillomania (obsessive hair pulling), which the doctors and I all assumed was a worsening of my symptoms that required more medication. The more I took the worse it got.

    Eventually I had to stop all of the medication cold turkey because my insurance ran out, and amazingly the OCD left me completely when I stopped the meds.

    Psych meds don't always have the desired effects, and I learned from experience that they can create problems a person might not have had otherwise.

    Just something to consider if you started taking the meds due to depression and found your other symptoms worsening that you may not have experienced for awhile.

    Sorry if this gives you something else to agonize about when you're barely hanging on, but maybe someday if a lightbulb goes on for you, you'll remember what I said.

    Peace and best wishes...