Friday, May 28, 2010

Friday Confessional

Bless me readers for I have sinned. I'm smoking again. I only smoke at night so as to avoid the children. Of course, they are smarter than me and figured it out. Still, I'll only smoke outside at night so that they don't get anything secondhand from my clothes. I did this last time I crashed as well and found it relatively easy to quit after about three months. Kenai was a baby during that time so I would smoke during her nap and then shower and change my clothes! I'm embarrassed to be doing this and was hoping if I only did it after dark my neighbors wouldn't see but I believe they have so I'm outed anyway.

Leave your confession here, it's good for your soul.

**Added: check out the counter in the sidebar. And then go throw up. Ugh**

Monday, May 24, 2010

Things I've Learned

I've learned that it is SO much easier to make the bed when you have a gorgeous new duvet.

I've learned that Trader Joe's Maple Leaf Cookies should have a sin tax.

I've learned that I prefer talking with people who can at least TRY to see both sides.

I've learned that women are AMAZING. I don't understand how we ended up a patriarchal society.

I've learned that spider bites can lead to infections.

I've learned that many people don't care about the fourteenth amendment.

I've learned that homeschooling is kinda cool.

I've learned that beer is goooood.

Wait, no, I already knew that.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Friends! and! Presents!

I have a group of women who I like to chat with online. We've built some real relationships and sometimes I don't know what I would do without them. They've been there to support me, even in the middle of the night when I was in crisis mode. I've had the pleasure of meeting some of them in real life and I count them as real friends. For Mother's Day we had a secret gift exchange. I love giving and getting presents so this was great fun for me! I sent my friend a necklace from Etsy seller, LycheeKiss. She's got some other gorgeous pieces and very reasonable prices! Here is my friend Elisa wearing the necklace.


The gift I received was a little late because of a seller issue but the anticipation was fun! I also received a necklace from Etsy, this one from the seller, birdzNbeez. I LOVE it.

It's a beautifully etched locket with four flowers in different
shades of green and a lovely little silver bird.

A sweet little added touch is the heart at the clasp.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Hey Beautiful

Where you been all my life?
I don't remember if this beauty came from Aldi or from my dad. It didn't bloom at all for a year or two but it currently has three blossoms!

Monday, May 17, 2010

More on Spiritual Homelessness

So. Still haven't attended a new church. I'm not sure I need one right now. When I decide to go I am going to try a "God is Still Speaking" UCC nearby and then a local UU. We'll see.
As for now? I believe nothing, I disbelieve nothing. But I feel like I cannot believe in the traditional God of the Bible. So where does that leave me? He's not gonna come here and speak to me no matter how hard I pray so I'm thinking, Deism. Or maybe Agnosticism. I kinda like that better since there's no faith required.
When I look for "proof" of God, I find NOTHING. I see life and I am amazed. But I am more amazed when I think it was species evolving than when I think that something created it to perform that way. Today I explained to Elliet how flowers reproduce. It's amazing! But it's amazing with or without God!
I can't find a reason to believe right now. In anything.
Any ideas?

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

'Night Johnboy

I don't want to live here anymore. It's not the new Price Hill as one of my friends said but it is quickly becoming the new College Hill. The crime mostly sticks to the main streets. But I don't feel as safe as I did when we first moved here. Tonight I sat on my porch and talked to imaginary ghosts. The man who attacked me? He didn't stand a chance against my husband and neighbor who were inside, packing heat. Of course we don't have guns but it still felt good to act like we did.
I want to live where I can raise some laying hens, a goat for milk (and CHEESE), maybe even a sweet milking cow. I want the girls to know dirt and earthworms and box turtles. We don't even have bats here. Just squirrels and birds and the occasional rabbit.
I want to live somewhere else. With a town where everybody knows who everybody else is, no one gets lost there. There aren't pedophiles or rapists on every other street. I won't go as far as to say I want to be like the Pioneer Woman but I sure do envy her life. Her kids know what hay smells like and what calves need to drink and even what Rocky Mountain Oysters look like.
I didn't think I'd ever be here but I am where my mother always was, wishing we lived the Waltons' life.

How are YOU?

Well, I'm doing a smidge better. I haven't cut myself in three nights now but I did peel off a scab tonight. Then I drove to Kroger for cigarettes. I guess it feels like the lesser of evils right now.
See, what's happening is I'm supposed to be reading my journals from the last time I went through this. What did I learn? What is something that triggered me that we haven't figured out just yet? But I am so terrified to do that. If I read tonight? What will tomorrow be like? Today was hard enough what with being sleep deprived and probably hungover.
I don't know how to do this. I wish there was a right way to do this while you have small children. I want to get past this before they get too effected by my illness but I am afraid to go through this while I am in charge of their well-being.

I don't want to know what I'm dying to know.

Friday, May 07, 2010

I'm Tired **Updated**

I'm so tired. I'm tired right now. I'm tired all day. I'm tired all the time.
But I can't go to bed. If I went to bed right now I would read a bit or play a game on the iphone and I would fall asleep. So why don't I go? I'm tired (did I mention that?) and I don't want to be tired tomorrow, I've got a lot to do! But I find ways to stay up. For a few weeks it was drinking until I passed out. The last few nights I drink but not much. My stomach can't stand the thought of gin or vodka. Of course, that brings back the other compulsive behaviors. Eating being the main one. When I was drinking hard I was losing weight. Why the fuck can't I just go lay down?
I usually take Benedryl, that actually put me to sleep by 2 last night. My psychiatrist gave me Ambien and it did nothing at all. Isn't there something that can numb me for just a little while?

**Update**
Shortly after writing this I took some benedryl and went to bed. First night in weeks that there was no cutting, second night in a row that I was not drunk. Maybe I'm getting Abilified.