Playa Minded

UPDATE

2010-06-14T21:21:00.002-04:00

Hey, I learned that it is safe to put the link here. From now on, you will find me at Playa Minded

Moving Day!

2010-06-12T10:18:00.002-04:00

Alright, friends. I'm moving to Word Press so this is my final post here. Please send me an email vegas710 at gmail dot com if you'd like to continue reading. I know that's a pain but I'm hoping it will make some things easier for me.
See you there!

Question For You

2010-06-09T21:29:00.002-04:00

My inlaws have offered to take my children for a week or so. I'm reluctant to be away from them but as my therapy progresses I'm finding it may be necessary. If I have nothing to do I fear I'll fall into deeper depression without my girls here. So I'm wondering, what the hell would you do, at your house, with no children and no work?

Musings

2010-06-07T21:13:00.003-04:00

The Christian God makes no sense to me. He used to be angry and vengeful and then he had his Son brutally murdered and now it's hunky-dory? Someone told me recently about how she realized that we read into things in the Bible. For instance, it doesn't say that a sacrifice was required *by God* from Cain and Abel. I guess I take that further and combine it with the strong sense I have that the Bible was written by men. I'm not sure I believe much of the Old Testament. So why did Jesus use the Old Testament to present Himself? He had to choose a people who needed a Messiah and who might listen so He chose the Jews. He proceeded to teach them how to live. If I read the words of Jesus alone, I believe the things He said, the parts I understand anyway. But would the Jews have believed if He hadn't gone to the cross? Reading the Old Testament it sounds like they would not have believed if He hadn't been a literal sacrifice.
So what does that mean for me? For all of us? I don't know. The best I can come up with is to live the way He lived and the way He taught us to live. If that happens to coincide with the way Muhammad or Gandhi taught us to live then good. If it coincides with what you believe about how we treat each other regardless of religion or belief in a Higher Power then good.
That's as far as I've come. I don't know where this is taking me.
We rearranged our room yesterday to accommodate my new night stand. As I sorted through books I set a small Message version of the Bible on top of my new night table. Will I open it? I guess we'll see.

Flowers from the Children

2010-06-04T23:09:00.002-04:00

Coping Mechanisms-I haz dem

2010-06-01T18:14:00.006-04:00

I guess if I had good coping skills I wouldn't be medicated. Who knows. But I have plenty of bad coping mechanisms. Self-injury, drinking, smoking, drugs if I could get ahold of them, binge eating (if only I could figure out how to purge), and SPENDING. While I was in college, Jt and I broke up for about a year. I racked up thousands in credit card debt just buying crap. I mean, clothes? I don't like buying clothes! Lucky for us, my spending binges include bargain hunting.
So I just came off a little Amazon bender. I got a night table (I really did need one), a fitness ball (recommended by my physical therapist), a great book I'd been eying for the kids (did you know that "eying" was spelled that way? looks weird to me), a new crock pot (I wanted to give mine to Flipper), these kick-ass Keens, my first ever pair:

There was also the graphic novel for The Vampire Lestat and then these arrived today:

The next seasons of Angel and Buffy in graphic novel form!

And the Piez De Resistance:

If we are facebook friends you know that I've been watching this episode of Buffy almost obsessively (hey! another coping mechanism!). This is the soundtrack. The girls and I listened to it already and Elliet and I read along in the lyrics.
Thus ends this period of bingey-type spending.

Friday Confessional

2010-05-28T08:33:00.003-04:00

Bless me readers for I have sinned. I'm smoking again. I only smoke at night so as to avoid the children. Of course, they are smarter than me and figured it out. Still, I'll only smoke outside at night so that they don't get anything secondhand from my clothes. I did this last time I crashed as well and found it relatively easy to quit after about three months. Kenai was a baby during that time so I would smoke during her nap and then shower and change my clothes! I'm embarrassed to be doing this and was hoping if I only did it after dark my neighbors wouldn't see but I believe they have so I'm outed anyway.

Leave your confession here, it's good for your soul.

**Added: check out the counter in the sidebar. And then go throw up. Ugh**

Things I've Learned

2010-05-24T22:20:00.002-04:00

I've learned that it is SO much easier to make the bed when you have a gorgeous new duvet.

I've learned that Trader Joe's Maple Leaf Cookies should have a sin tax.

I've learned that I prefer talking with people who can at least TRY to see both sides.

I've learned that women are AMAZING. I don't understand how we ended up a patriarchal society.

I've learned that spider bites can lead to infections.

I've learned that many people don't care about the fourteenth amendment.

I've learned that homeschooling is kinda cool.

I've learned that beer is goooood.

Wait, no, I already knew that.

Friends! and! Presents!

2010-05-23T10:02:00.005-04:00

I have a group of women who I like to chat with online. We've built some real relationships and sometimes I don't know what I would do without them. They've been there to support me, even in the middle of the night when I was in crisis mode. I've had the pleasure of meeting some of them in real life and I count them as real friends. For Mother's Day we had a secret gift exchange. I love giving and getting presents so this was great fun for me! I sent my friend a necklace from Etsy seller, LycheeKiss. She's got some other gorgeous pieces and very reasonable prices! Here is my friend Elisa wearing the necklace.

The gift I received was a little late because of a seller issue but the anticipation was fun! I also received a necklace from Etsy, this one from the seller, birdzNbeez. I LOVE it.

It's a beautifully etched locket with four flowers in different
shades of green and a lovely little silver bird.

A sweet little added touch is the heart at the clasp.

Hey Beautiful

2010-05-20T20:10:00.002-04:00

Where you been all my life?

I don't remember if this beauty came from Aldi or from my dad. It didn't bloom at all for a year or two but it currently has three blossoms!

More on Spiritual Homelessness

2010-05-17T20:52:00.003-04:00

So. Still haven't attended a new church. I'm not sure I need one right now. When I decide to go I am going to try a "God is Still Speaking" UCC nearby and then a local UU. We'll see.
As for now? I believe nothing, I disbelieve nothing. But I feel like I cannot believe in the traditional God of the Bible. So where does that leave me? He's not gonna come here and speak to me no matter how hard I pray so I'm thinking, Deism. Or maybe Agnosticism. I kinda like that better since there's no faith required.
When I look for "proof" of God, I find NOTHING. I see life and I am amazed. But I am more amazed when I think it was species evolving than when I think that something created it to perform that way. Today I explained to Elliet how flowers reproduce. It's amazing! But it's amazing with or without God!
I can't find a reason to believe right now. In anything.
Any ideas?

'Night Johnboy

2010-05-12T23:36:00.004-04:00

I don't want to live here anymore. It's not the new Price Hill as one of my friends said but it is quickly becoming the new College Hill. The crime mostly sticks to the main streets. But I don't feel as safe as I did when we first moved here. Tonight I sat on my porch and talked to imaginary ghosts. The man who attacked me? He didn't stand a chance against my husband and neighbor who were inside, packing heat. Of course we don't have guns but it still felt good to act like we did.
I want to live where I can raise some laying hens, a goat for milk (and CHEESE), maybe even a sweet milking cow. I want the girls to know dirt and earthworms and box turtles. We don't even have bats here. Just squirrels and birds and the occasional rabbit.
I want to live somewhere else. With a town where everybody knows who everybody else is, no one gets lost there. There aren't pedophiles or rapists on every other street. I won't go as far as to say I want to be like the Pioneer Woman but I sure do envy her life. Her kids know what hay smells like and what calves need to drink and even what Rocky Mountain Oysters look like.
I didn't think I'd ever be here but I am where my mother always was, wishing we lived the Waltons' life.

How are YOU?

2010-05-12T00:27:00.007-04:00

Well, I'm doing a smidge better. I haven't cut myself in three nights now but I did peel off a scab tonight. Then I drove to Kroger for cigarettes. I guess it feels like the lesser of evils right now.
See, what's happening is I'm supposed to be reading my journals from the last time I went through this. What did I learn? What is something that triggered me that we haven't figured out just yet? But I am so terrified to do that. If I read tonight? What will tomorrow be like? Today was hard enough what with being sleep deprived and probably hungover.
I don't know how to do this. I wish there was a right way to do this while you have small children. I want to get past this before they get too effected by my illness but I am afraid to go through this while I am in charge of their well-being.

I don't want to know what I'm dying to know.

I'm Tired Updated

2010-05-07T00:31:00.004-04:00

I'm so tired. I'm tired right now. I'm tired all day. I'm tired all the time.
But I can't go to bed. If I went to bed right now I would read a bit or play a game on the iphone and I would fall asleep. So why don't I go? I'm tired (did I mention that?) and I don't want to be tired tomorrow, I've got a lot to do! But I find ways to stay up. For a few weeks it was drinking until I passed out. The last few nights I drink but not much. My stomach can't stand the thought of gin or vodka. Of course, that brings back the other compulsive behaviors. Eating being the main one. When I was drinking hard I was losing weight. Why the fuck can't I just go lay down?
I usually take Benedryl, that actually put me to sleep by 2 last night. My psychiatrist gave me Ambien and it did nothing at all. Isn't there something that can numb me for just a little while?

**Update**
Shortly after writing this I took some benedryl and went to bed. First night in weeks that there was no cutting, second night in a row that I was not drunk. Maybe I'm getting Abilified.

Lest You Think I'm Not Grateful

2010-04-28T17:55:00.009-04:00

What say we take a break from the deep, dark, ugly, macabre, despair that is my brain...here's a post about the many things I'm loving right now.

Today we went for a picnic! It was a last minute idea
since we were already picking Kenai up from her field trip.

There were strawberries

There was a visit with my internet turned real life friend
and her awesome kids. I LOVED hanging out at her house.
She's awesome and normal and lovely and cool.

Not to mention she has the cutest kids EVER

Then there's this little one, my latest charge.
At barely 6 months she can hold herself in a sitting
position without help, at least for a little while!
She's already got teeth and she's rocking on her hands and knees!

She's the sweetest baby ever.

Then there's this new guy. Mr. Birdie Fantastico.
Yes, that's his real name!

He's starting to like me a little bit and that makes me so happy.

Then there was this. A real highlight.
Over the Rhine at Canal Street Tavern.
With new songs even! It was beautiful.

Elliet brought me this note the other day, she had
transcribed it for Kenai:
"From Kenai. To Mommy. Dear Mommy, I am so sorry.
Do you want to know why? Because I wrote on my arm.
I forgot I was not supposed to.
Please, please, pretty please forgive me.
After I wrote on my arm I knew I wasn't supposed to.
Love, Kenai"

If they made all their confessions this way they'd never get in trouble!

Why I'm Drinking

2010-04-27T00:49:00.004-04:00

Tonight, Jt tried to stay up with me to prevent me from drinking too much and from cutting myself. The problem is, these are symptoms of something bigger and more evil than the blood he sees. The pain is huge, overwhelming. When he tried to stay up with me and we talked it out...I bawled my eyes out for like an hour. This is exactly what I'm avoiding with the drinking and the cutting. Jedd doesn't understand, I don't know how he could, but he's trying. But tonight he made it worse. I cried and I felt shame and that intensified my need to cut.
I wish I could explain this. Not only to you but to myself. I don't get it. I'm frustrated and angry. Is it possible that something happened when I was TWO FREAKING YEARS OLD fucked me over forever? Jt says it won't be forever. He thinks this is it. I'm gonna go through this and then I'm gonna find the end. There will be no more cycle. There will be an end.
It's hard for me to believe because I've been through this so many times. I'm so sorry that Jt has to go through this, it's not fair to him. My kids know that something's up but for the most part I try and make their days normal.
In fact, I stay "normal" all day and then as soon as they go to bed, I drink way too much and then I cut myself more. It used to be about the scars but now it's about the blood. One day I'll be okay. Maybe this is it. Maye this is the therapist that will help me get where I need to go in order to heal. Maybe. I hope.
I love my life. I love Emily, I love Jason, I LLLOOOOOVVVE Jedd, I love Flipper, I loooooooovvve my girls, I love my little doggy and I love my birdy. I love my friends, IRL and on the internets.
One day I will be able to love these things without the caveat of my past hanging over me.

Once More, With Feeling trigger warning: cutting

2010-04-24T22:53:00.003-04:00

So. Per the homeschooling post we're doing awesome! But.
But I'm not so well. As in not-so-well.
I went back on meds and day five everything was suddenly "shiny new world, huzzah!" and then about 6 weeks later I crashed even harder than before the meds. I need to be honest here. I'm drinking to excess every night. Taking a mixture of pills as well. And cutting myself. There is a gash on my arm that I re-open most nights.
I finally got in to see my psychiatrist and he upped my meds and gave me a therapist referral. I saw the therapist and she way rocks. She's young, younger than me, and pretty and normal. My counselors have always been the kind who wear trousers and eat lots of canned food. She was incredibly supportive and she gave me hope like I haven't had in years. She gave me hope that maybe we'll find the truth and I'll heal and maybe this stuff will go away. Maybe one day there won't be a cycle, there will be an end.
I'll spare you the photos of my arm this time. You're welcome.

For Your Viewing Pleasure in Honor of Earth Day

2010-04-22T17:58:00.001-04:00

Growing Flowers - The best video clips are right here

The girls loved watching this video. It's fascinating!

Finding Our Feet

2010-04-19T19:58:00.007-04:00

Getting Started
So, the homeschooling got off to a bit of a rocky start. We had a couple of good days and then a solid week of awful plaguey puking death germ. One after another we all went down. Then my mom came over to help us pick up the pieces (read: do the dishes and wash more sheets) and the next day SHE got it. It was baaaaaad. So no homeschooling that week. But the funny thing is that Elliet's not behind! No "five packets of eight pages each to do *if we can* so she gets caught up". Nope, we just pick up where we left off. It's a beautiful thing. Sometimes I drive past her old school and I can't believe the relief I feel at not having to drive there. Even greater, the relief that Elliet isn't sitting there doing those eight page packets every day.

Curriculum
I found this journal at Target that she uses almost every day. Each sheet is blank on top and then lined (for early writing) on the bottom half.

(picture stolen from Mead)
When we read through the book about the White House and the Obama family she used the notebook to write down words she didn't understand. We used the list of words to learn how to use the dictionary and then reviewed the words for vocabulary. She also drew a picture each day to illustrate something she learned. She loves art and I love being able to incorporate it into her learning experience! As we progressed in the book and had already uncovered most of the new vocabulary, Elliet started writing about what she learned instead of writing words. She wrote about why it would be cool to live in the White House and drew a picture of herself bowling. She drew a picture of Bo the dog and wrote about how he likes to play with people's feet. She's reading about Clara Barton now, she reads two or three pages and then we talk about what she read. We are going through ABeka Math, I'm still undecided about this curriculum but it's pretty nice. I LOVE the Primary Language Lessons book.

(These images stolen from Amazon)

She uses her journal to do a lesson each day. I usually break them in half though because they are written for 2nd grade and up. The lessons are rather quaint and the grammar is very traditional. I like this, I think that much of today's curriculum is "dumbed down", particularly in the language arts.

Our "Schedule"
My favorite part of this whole thing is our schedule, and I use that term very loosely. We get up in the morning and do breakfast, no yelling, no rushing, no packing. The girls get dressed and usually go play outside for a while. I use that time to do the dishes, play with Ziva and check-in online. The girls are in and out, I may take Ziva and go out with them for a while, fill the bird feeders, somewhere in there the kids have a snack.
Lunch rolls around and the kids eat and then Kenai and Ziva go for naps. During naptime, Elliet and I do her school work. This usually lasts two to three hours with a few breaks mixed in. When she starts to feel overwhelmed she can go outside for a while. On rainy days she likes to play the Wii or watch a movie.
When everybody is up from naps there's another snack followed by something pretty similar to our morning. Sometimes there is schoolwork to be finished, sometimes Kenai wants to do a page from her pre-K writing books. Sometimes we go to the library or the grocery store. I think I could do this forever but our plans are totally up in the air and will be based on what each child needs each school year. Kenai will be in Kindergarten this fall at the same co-op that Elliet attended. I really love the teacher and I think it is important for Kenai to get out and be around other kids in a structured setting.
This is what is working for us right now, who knows what the future holds!

More Hipstamatic Photos

2010-04-07T00:02:00.005-04:00

This looks like it belongs in one of my mother's old photo albums

Neglect

Forsythia

Bedside

2010-04-05T12:47:00.003-04:00

Really loving this Hipstamatic iPhone app.

Like a YEAR in Blog Years

2010-03-27T13:55:00.003-04:00

So, two months ago I won a blog contest from Parking At Home. I wanted to blog about it but I was waiting for a photo and now, because this is the Internets, it feels like it's been for-E-VER since I purposed to write this post. Better late than never I hope.
Parking At Home does a little crocheting. Well, okay, she does a lot of really awesome crocheting and probably tons of other stuff. She did a giveaway in January to get us all through the winter funk and I was a winner! My idea was for a hat for my sister, Erin. Erin has a small head and does not have the ability to right a scarf or pull her hat down over her ears. I remembered that my mom was looking for a hat with ear flaps that wasn't too babyish so I asked Parking if she could make something that came down over the ears and went down into a scarf. Less than a month later (it might have been like two weeks) this arrived on my porch!
I kow Erin looks like she hates it. And you. And the boat you sailed in on. But really, she's just very cranky lately from the massive pain that she lives with every day. It actually works very well for her and I am VERY impressed with the quality of this hat. I am also grateful to Parking At Home for taking on this little challenge!

Jumping In

2010-03-20T19:38:00.003-04:00

This Monday I will begin homeschooling my oldest. She's in first grade and while her school isn't bad, I started feeling like it just wasn't best for her. I have the freedom to do this so why not? What's funny is how excited I am to begin! I had her math curriculum already because I had planned on doing a little bit over the summer. I ordered her a science text and one for history and I can't wait to see them. Especially science, I really enjoy life science. I also ordered a language arts book and these really cool flashcards that I saw on The Pioneer Woman's homeschool blog. They teach the Greek and Latin roots of the English language, very cool.
However, my language stuff still hasn't shipped from Amazon (come on, Amazon, there's a Buffy dvd set in there too!) and the science book is on backorder so they are waiting to ship that and the history book.
Have no fear! I stopped by the Scholastic fair at Elliet's former school yesterday and picked up a book on the Obama family and the White House and a book on Clara Barton. She will do these for history and language arts. She'll read the books and then we will work on the vocabulary we find there (inauguration, society, government) and she will practice her writing skills with a paper about each book. For science this week we are looking through a book about whales and dolphins.

I never though I would homeschool. I was homschooled for most of my education and I always thought I didn't like it. What I came to realize was that while I enjoyed it, I always thought I was missing out on something greater. This was partly due to my own self-centeredness and well, probably just that. I hope to avoid this by always giving Elliet the choice. I'm assuming she will go back to public school in another year or two but I'm going to thoroughly enjoy the meantime.

Part 2 of The Falling Shoes

2010-03-05T22:00:00.004-05:00

Previously, on Falling Shoes:
"On my way home from school a day or two later I stopped at Kroger to pick up a few things. On my way out I popped into the police sub-station to ask for that recite. The officer there was a younger black woman and she was very nice. She called someone who explained to her how to write the recite. We chatted a little while I waited. When she was done she called her sergeant to clear everything. When the conversation ended, she hung up the phone slowly, an almost guilty look on her face. "My sergeant says you have to be processed" I have no idea what this means. "You have to be arrested"

She was sitting at a desk that was pushed against a wall, I sat next to the desk on a chair facing her. I just stared, not comprehending. Be arrested? What does that mean? She said someone would come to take me downtown and is there someone I can call to pick me up at the justice center? I probably wouldn't even be booked, it's just a formality. Call someone to have them pick you up downtown. I called my boyfriend, he was working. I called my sister, I asked her to pick me up downtown, that everything would be fine. We sat there, just waiting. I asked if I could go to the bathroom. She seemed hesitant but took me anyway. She was nice and it was clear she felt awful about the whole thing.

The other officer arrived, a young white guy. He was nice enough but business-like in his demeanor. In the office, he put my hands behind my back and put the handcuffs on. We walked out to his car. We walked out through my neighborhood grocery store to his car. I felt shame. I knew people would think I had been shoplifting. It was humiliating.

The drive lasted forever. It was dead quiet, just the muffled announcements from his radio. It was incredibly uncomfortable. The backseat is a molded plastic bench. When you catch the scent of the previous passengers, the plastic is a relief, at least that urine/alcohol smell is in the floor and not soaking into your clothes. But plastic is hard and when you are leaning against your cuffed hands, the metal digs in. I watched out the window, the same things I saw everyday driving to school. We passed the Camp Washington salt dome and Union Center. We entered downtown Cincinnati, the Omni flag above us, abandoned, heavily tagged buildings next to us. I saw them all but they looked different. Like I was seeing them from an airplane.

When we arrived at the justice center we went in through a back entrance. The officer looked at me kindly and asked if the cuffs were hurting me. "No, I'm fine" I mumbled and smiled at him to prove how fine I was. He had me stand by a wall. He said that he was sure I wouldn't have to go through booking. "We'll just process you and you can get a ride home. It'll be okay." He smiled at me now and I knew that my nonchalance was not fooling him. I continued with it anyway as it was for my own benefit, I needed to feel strong. He walked over to a desk.

He came back over a few minutes later and I knew things weren't going to get better. He had the same look as the policewoman back at Kroger had when she hung up the phone. It was pity. Not the ugly kind but the kind that wished this was not out of his hands. He said, "I'm sorry but they said you have to be booked." I don't know what this means. What does this mean? My sister is on her way to pick me up. I can't call her to tell her something has changed. But if I could, what would I even say? I don't know what this means. I just remember breathing at this point. I don't know what else to do. I am taken over to the desk. Here, a man takes all my things and carefully observes and records everything in my possession. He laughs when he comes across my Bible College ID. I'm not amused but I laugh anyway, a shy giggle that I know older men like when they joke this way. This way that is supposed to humiliate you under the guise of humor. This is nothing new, Desk Guy.

I am escorted by a woman over to a changing area. I'm to remove my bra, my hair clip and my shoelaces. I give them to her. We come out and we are back in this room with the desk. It's a busy room. I am taken over to one side of the room where a few officers are standing, one is a tall man, he's not Cincinnati police, I think he might be Highway Patrol or maybe just a guard. He reminds me of an officer I knew when I worked downtown. This officer I knew was a bike cop and he was the most blatantly racist person I had met. Some black children were looking in the window at us once and he said, "Hey little monkeys, want some peanuts?" He was nice to us but he was not a good person. That is what I thought of this tall officer, staring at me. The woman who had escorted me to the changing room now instructed me to remove any jewelry or piercings. I had to cut off a thread anklet and take out six earrings. Then my tongue ring. Then I remembered my navel ring. I lifted my shirt and said, "I'm not sure I can get it out." The woman said, "I'm sure he'll be happy to do it for you" indicating the tall officer. "Oh, I'm sure, uh...I'll do it." I mumbled. And I did.
Then I was told to sit, I could use the phone for a local call. I left my sister a message, I didn't know if she would get it and I didn't know what she would do anyway. I didn't know what she could do.

When I sit, there is a woman, older than me, maybe 35 or 40. She has overprocessed blond hair with dark roots and she wants to talk. She wants to complain about how she's being treated like an axe murderer for passing some bad checks. She's thrilled that we are in for the same thing. I sense that she wants the security of the two of us sticking together. After all, we obviously don't belong here. But I don't want a partner, especially not a chatty one. I know who we are in here with and I want to be quiet. I do not want to align myself with anyone.

I am taken back to a small room to have my picture and fingerprints taken. The guys back here are pretty friendly. They take my photo and then my regular, inked fingerprints. Then one guy presses each of my fingers on a very small, electronic pad. They will go to the FBI. I am escorted to a holding cell. Blond lady is in there too but I stand across the room from her and look away.

The holding cell is cement, painted grey. I guess the grey of the cement wasn't quite depressing enough so they had to paint it. Nothing can be moved, the seats are cement, molded to the walls. Over a molded cement half-wall there is a steel toilet. The wall is so short that you can still be seen if you are sitting. The toilet is full of god knows what and no one is going to use it. The axe murderer woman and I are the only white women in this cell of at least 25. I practice the few street skills I've learned working in Price Hill. I don't look at anyone but I don't look down either.

I'm drawn to a young girl in a bright pink top. She looks tired, haggard even, but couldn't be more than 18. She reminds me of my friend's younger sister, street, but in a way that suggests she doesn't belong. I am summoned by a female officer. I don't know why. I don't know anything. I am escorted to a desk at the end of the hall where a bored woman takes my information without ever looking at me. She tells me it's late so I will be arraigned tomorrow. I ask her what this means. "It means you go before a judge in the morning." I ask her about bail, I tell her my sister is coming for me. She doesn't know anything. I go back to the holding cell. I comfort myself with thoughts of my sister being nearby. I know she is the one person I want right now. If anyone can get me out it's her.

Now we are all moved into the main population. I don't like this. It feels like maybe I'll be spending the night. We walk down hallways, lots of them, it takes a while. We get into an elevator. The female guard escorting us is gruff and I know my smile will not work on her. We go through more grey hallways and arrive at a door. Inside is a large room with tables and a tv. There are women sitting around, braiding hair, playing cards. The walls are lined with cell doors. Not iron bars, just doors with small windows in them. There is a second floor with more doors. We are each told a number, when the door opens we are to walk straight to the room with that number and close the door. I do as I'm told.

I walk into the cell. It's small, cement block, painted a dull beige color. There is a metal bed frame attached to the wall with a thin plastic mat on it. There is a toilet. It is placed so that if I were to sit on it I would be looking straight out the small window in my door. Within plain view of the guards. I will not use it. I sit. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. I know my sister is out there, I know she will fight for me. I look out the window. It is maybe 8 inches high and 18 inches long. I just rest myself against the wall and watch outside for what feels like hours. It's dark. There's nothing going on. I'm looking over Reading Road, a stretch I don't usually drive. There is a dragon painted on a building. There are neon signs in the storefronts that advertise BAIL BONDS. It is a sleeping city and it is depressing.

I think maybe I should lay down. I've been in here for a while, maybe I should sleep. But I know I can't. I have to pee. Like, I REALLY have to pee now. I look at the toilet and I look at the window and I convince myself that it doesn't matter. I hover over the toilet. I'm not usually a hoverer but desperate times and all. I look out the little window in my door the whole time. Will I jump up if someone looks in? I don't know why I'm watching.

I stand at my door for a while, I look out at the women who are in here who will be here for a while. They seem nice. They braid each others' hair. One of them knows one of the girls who came in with me and she lays outside her door and they talk. She looks sad. These women are tough, they are real, they care for each other.

Eventually, when I'm not looking, a guard opens my door and tells me to come out. We walk back down those long hallways, go back down the elevator, walk back down the long hallways. I ask her what is going on, "I guess someone posted your bail." I feel such a huge relief. I am placed in another, identical holding cell. Only this time there is a man sitting on the bench across from me. It seems wrong to me but the guard closes the door, this one made of iron bars. We sit in silence and I watch the guards encased in glass. A male guard comes to get me and is startled to see me sitting with a man. He can't believe I was put into a male holding cell. He's not happy and he says so, but not to me.

I have to wait some more. I go to a window where I'm given my things minus what little money I had on me, they keep that. I go out to a small waiting room where I see my sister and her friend. I've never felt so happy. She is there, I knew she would be. We step outside and light our cigarettes and the rain feels just right. We walk to her car and she tells me how she threatened the man at the desk. She had paid my bail and then waited another four hours for me to be released. She went to the man every 15 minutes demanding to know where I was and why I had not been released yet. THIS is why you need an Emily in your life.

I'm out. We go home.

One More Time With Feeling

2010-03-02T00:17:00.002-05:00

Well, here we are again. If you've been around for a while, you know this is not my first tango with mental illness. Depression, anxiety, PTSD, even Bipolar 2 for a little while. It comes and goes. Ebb and flow. Nevermind that the medical community knows very little about what causes these things...medication! Huzzah!

I hope to be back on top in a few weeks but it will likely take longer than that. So expect posting to be even lighter than usual. I can't promise I won't post pictures of my self-injuries this time but hey, fingers crossed!!

Spiritually Homeless

2010-01-31T10:06:00.005-05:00

During our girls weekend my cousin and I had a conversation about religion. Specifically it was about a desire to believe something, and to teach our children something, tempered by a distaste for Christian culture and a belief that people can be good even without God telling them to be good. Christianity is my home. It's where I started and it is to this church that I return when I am struggling. But I don't feel at home there anymore. When I go there looking for answers I don't like what I find. I believe in some of the basic tenants of the faith but I cannot feel at home within the four walls of the church. If I'm honest, I know that my beliefs would disqualify me as a Christian in the eyes of most Christians. This leaves me feeling lost, like I have no home. I'd like to believe that my need for a spiritual home is a social construct, not necessarily something I need but something I've been told I need, but that's not true. I know that I need something that binds me to other people. I am considering the Quakers as a next stop on this road. Who knows, maybe one day I'll come home and it will feel like home again.

But this leaves me with the question of teaching our children. I want my girls to have a church experience and I want them to feel like they are part of something big, something outside of mommy and daddy that unites them to other people and to God. There will be things they learn that we don't agree with but I'm not much afraid that we can't just address those things at home. Right now it's easy, church is singing and puppets and Love. As they get older it may be more difficult. I hope that I can trust the values we teach here at home to influence what the children believe more than what they learn at a church program.

Elliet gave me hope this week when she came home from her mid-week church program:

E: They told us that God knew all our names before we were born.

St: Oh, that's cool

E: Yeah, I don't really believe that.

St: Oh really?

E: Well, yeah, I mean, you didn't even name me until I was born so that doesn't make any sense!

I don't recall ever once questioning what I was being taught as a child. She's a smart one!

Paltry Postings

2010-01-27T10:40:00.008-05:00

So I'm supposed to come up with seven things you don't know about me because this lovely lady tagged me as a Kreativ Blogger and I would hate to disappoint my newest blog-friend. The problem with this is that I think you already know everything there is to know about me. I'm open to a fault. I've decided to aim for things that maybe a few of you don't know and hope the rest of you don't get bored.

I got my fourth tattoo this weekend. It's a phoenix rising from the flames of my Burning Man tattoo. I like it very much even though it hurts and it's all crusty. And here's a photo because Michele likes illustrations and I like showing off my tattoos.

You probably already know that I am overweight. I started gaining weight about nine years ago and really started packing it on in the last year or two. So what you may not know is that I'm now like, Biggest Loser fat. This week I've been eating a very strict diet to help me break the habit of overeating. Very little or no sugar, low-carb, no alcohol, no diet coke. I'm seeing great progress so that should help me stick with it. Having been addicted to both food and cigarettes I can tell you with certainty that you CAN be addicted to overeating and the craving is just as bad.

A few of you might not know that I was homeschooled as a kid. In part it was fantastic but it was also a little bit of crazy. I love homeschooling and I'm strongly considering it for my girls but we were homeschooled because the public schools might have taught us things like "evolution is part of science" or "condoms can prevent pregnancy" or even "being kind to other people is a good idea no matter what god you worship." So yeah, our homeschooling was tainted by our religious practices.

Remember Monica's closet on Friends? That's my basement. I am appropriately ashamed.

I went parasailing for my 17th birthday, skydiving for my 18th and at 21 I did the sky flyer at King's Island. HIGHLY recommend all three.

Deep down inside I believe that one day I will have to go to Romania to work with their orphans. I think this is what people mean by a "calling." I saw a video about Romanian orphans when I was 18. We were at a small youth function at church and I had to leave the sanctuary because I was sobbing.

I can't drive stick. No good reason, just never needed to learn.

So, there you have it! I am giving this award to these fine (but fewer than seven) bloggers:

Swistle at Swistle

Suzanne at List Lust Lost

Christie at Calling Occupants

Melynda at Your Wild Child

Kreativ Blogger Award Rules

1. Thank the person giving the award (Thank you, Michele!)

2. Copy the award to your blog (it's in my sidebar)

3. Place a link to their blog

4. Name 7 things people don't know about you

5. Nominate 7 bloggers

6. Place a link to those bloggers

7. Leave a comment letting those bloggers know about the award

Homenum Revelio!

2010-01-14T13:25:00.005-05:00

I had a bit of ~~vodka~~ an anxiety attack yesterday after the baby's allergy testing. I already knew she was allergic to eggs so why the freak-out? Well, there was this, and there was three hours in the exam room, a shot in each thigh, and the doctor telling me she was at risk for anaphylaxis but not really at risk of dying from it so no need for an epi-pen. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around that last part. She's also doing the whole freak-out-over-nothing-80-thousand-times-a-day-until-Mommy-thinks-you-hate-her thing. That didn't help.

I've also not been sleeping well. I wake up a few times each night absolutely terrified. While I'm still asleep I pound on Jedd or give him a good hard kick so that he gets up to check the house before I've caught my breath enough to tell him it's just...not a dream, really...I guess it's just my crazy. My heart pounds so hard I'm afraid it will explode. The adrenaline coursing through my body makes certain I won't fall back to sleep for a good long while. This really can't be healthy.

Saturday night Kenai was not given a snack at church because the teacher wasn't sure about her allergies. When I came to pick her up she was sitting at the table with her friends, terribly sad, the only one without a little cup of pretzels.

This morning before we went into the school Kenai said, "Mommy? When my teacher says, 'criss-cross applesauce'? I can't do that" Cue heartbreak.

The first hit in this TKO was last week in a parent meeting for her preschool class. The parents gather with the teacher, all of us in tiny chairs, to talk about the upcoming semester. One parent, we'll call her Ignorant, starts pitching a mini fit about following rules. She says that if the rule is that children sit, legs crossed, on their carpet squares then that is what they should do. The teacher explains that some kids aren't able to sit "criss cross applesauce" and different kids have different abilities and we really just want them engaged during circle time. Enter anxiety attack #1 of 2010. She meant Kenai. My baby can't sit cross legged like the other children. Heart pounding now, I hear Ignorant say "No! If it's a rule then they should just do it! We are the authoritarians!" Oh crap. Other parents are speaking up, "we don't want to turn it into a power struggle" "some kids can't really sit still for very long" I have to go, Kenai has to be at therapy in a half hour. I can't get into this. What the hell is her issue?! We just got done talking to the grandmother of another student about her options for diagnosis and IEP through the district. Ignorant just refuses to believe that some four year olds don't have the same abilities as her daughter. Thankfully, the teacher is kinda awesome and she sent home a letter yesterday letting parents know that we meet each child where he is and any discipline issues will be handled by her in a manner designed to show grace. Today, Ignorant was in charge of snacks. She brought popcorn with nuts in it. Kenai and her friend are both allergic to nuts and Ignorant KNOWS THIS. How about we just change her name to Bitch now, hmm?

So I've felt mostly sad all week. Which is why I haven't finished writing my story for you. I know you are DYING to find out what happens next but I don't have it in me to dredge up the old hurts while the new ones are still fresh. But it's coming. I also need to write this thing for Yummy Mommy who tagged me and put a little bit of awesome into this terrible day.

In the meantime, it's Official Delurker Day! It's a thing that someone invented. I guess it's a blog-thing that a blogger invented. Then Greeblemonkey made a ~~creepy~~ neat little graphic and now it's the thing to do on January 14th, 2010. So show me your stuff, are you here? Speak up!

A Decade of Falling Shoes- part 1

2010-01-04T10:29:00.000-05:00

2009 was the year of recovery for us. This last decade has been RIDICULOUS but 2009 treated us well and we learned how to relax a bit.

The Decade

In the year 2000 (you can sing that a la Conan if you want, I did) I was living with my sister. That year we moved six times. 6. SIX TIMES, in one year. We were in one place for about 6 months while my dog, Kaiko had to stay with other people. She was already an anxious dog so this was not good for her. As soon as we could, we were going to find a place where we could have both dogs. Emily found this great remodeled apartment in Covington, Kentucky. It was beautiful and even came equipped with a washer and dryer. The day we moved in I brought my dog home. One of the great things about this place was that it had central air, we hadn't had that since we left home! It stopped working on this day, the first Saturday of July. So we opened all the windows.

That night I stayed up late to unpack. I felt so good about this house. The beautiful tile in the kitchen, the stacked washer and dryer that came with it. No more laundromats! I went to bed at 3am, around 4 I heard some rustling out in the laundry room. I was certain Kaiko was out there getting into things so I stumbled out of bed to go find her. As I got to the laundry room a man stood up. He had just come in through the high window and landed on some plastic garbage bags. It took me a second to register that I didn't know him and then I yelled. "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" I thought he would leave. I mean, he got caught, wouldn't he run away? He didn't and before I knew it he had ahold of me. I started fighting and he put a really old, probably very dull steak knife against my arm. So I relaxed, I told him, "it's cool, it's cool" He said, "get your purse" but he wouldn't let go of me. He had a stench so strong, his breath on my neck, that his smell is more present with me today than his face. I know now that it's the smell of an addict. Old smoke, body odor, the stringent smell of alcohol seeping from his pores... desperation. I kept saying, "I'll go get it, it's back there" but he wasn't letting me go. Then he started backing us up into the laundry room. I was suddenly aware that I was only wearing a t-shirt and underwear and I started fighting against him again. Then something changed. He let go and he backed up, just a step. He said, "get your dog"

Sure enough, Kaiko had finally wandered out of the room where she'd been asleep the whole time. She was a big dog, about 75#. Rottweiler, lab and chow as far as I could tell. The hair on her neck and back was standing up and there was a low growl coming from deep in her throat. I saw my opportunity and took it. I slammed the laundry door on the intruder and ran. To my room. Where there was no phone. I'm proud of everything I did this night except this part. My cell phone wasn't working and instead of running to Emily's room, I ran to mine. Then, instead of letting Kaiko come in with me (she ran too) I closed the door on her. I felt safer with her guarding my door from that side but later, when I see evidence of her fear, I am ashamed.

On my way to the bedroom I yelled to Emily, "CALL 911! THERE'S A MAN IN THE HOUSE WITH A KNIFE!" Panic and grammar don't mix. She wasn't really awake so she poked her head out of her bedroom door and said, "Huh?" I stuck my head out and yelled it again. Then I sat in my room. Listening. I heard someone running; slapping feet across the parking lot outside my window. Within seconds I also heard Kaiko lay down against my door, relaxed. Still, I couldn't be sure. I was terrified that he had gone to Emily's room but I was too scared to look. I finally got up my courage and ran to her room.

She was sitting on her bed talking to the 911 dispatcher. When she called she got the wrong city and had to be transferred. Minutes later someone was banging on her bedroom door. We screamed, "the police are on their way!" It was the police. They had entered the open front door and were searching through the house. An officer checked the bedroom and told us to stay put while they looked around. Once they determined that he had gone, we all moved out to the kitchen. The kitchen suddenly felt very small and the police officers all seemed very large and very warm. Like grizzly bears walking around in polyester. I heard an officer on his radio, "theeee suspect may have manure around the bottom of his pants." Kaiko had been so frightened that she had shit all over the kitchen.

We didn't notice anything missing but another officer came in with a tube of chapstick he had found on the ground outside. As soon as I saw it I looked over to where my workbag had been and it was gone. It had been on a shelf right by my room which meant the man had run across the kitchen for it, this is probably what scared Kaiko. He had then run through the living room and out the front door.

I told the police that he had run through the parking lot but they insisted that he had probably gone back the other way, toward the projects. They said our cute little apartment was right between the projects and the main street for drugs and prostitution. With a parking lot that was the obvious cut-through. It was a crime of opportunity with our windows standing open.

The police brought me outside to look at a man who was sitting in the back of a squad car. They had seen him "acting suspicious" earlier in the night and they really wanted him to be The Guy. I glanced at him through the flashing lights and I nodded, "yes, that's him" I went back inside with an officer who asked how certain I was. I said, "not at all" He said I had to be sure. He wanted me to look again and I was so afraid to go back out and see that man and be seen by him, I almost said it was him just so I wouldn't have to go. That poor guy had not been anywhere near me that night. He looked up at me through the smudged window of the cruiser and he was crying. He was crying for his mama. He was bigger than the man who attacked me and he had a grill that outshone the flashing lights. I knew for sure this was not The Guy.

As the police were getting ready to leave, one officer asked us how long we had been living there. When we told him we had moved in that very day he said, "You have four days to back out of your lease without repercussions. Pack your shit and GET OUT."

Once the police were gone we sat outside on the front step, both of us afraid to go back inside. Jt was out of town. Emily couldn't reach her boyfriend so she called his crackhead cousin who came right over. Tony was great, he was lots of energy and a hefty dose of "nothing can happen to you while I'm here" Eventually we went to Jt's house because everyone there was out of town.

We called the apartment manager and they were shocked. SHOCKED! that this had happened. *insert giant eye roll* They said they would let us out of our lease but we needed to get our things out immediately. It was a matter of four days before we found a place to store our things. The rental agency kept our entire deposit as a "storage fee" for those four days. We moved our things into a house owned by someone Emily worked with. The house was disgusting. I'm not even kidding, it was BAD. Jt was back in town and he and I had bought all kinds of plug-ins and candles and roach traps but we walked in that first night and the roaches scurried and the smell was so bad that I sat down and cried. He said we could come back to their place until we found something. Emily got us into the dorms at my alma mater for a very low fee. So we gathered our trashbags full of clothes and we lived there for a couple of weeks while our other belongings sat at the casa de cucarachas absorbing the rott-pee that soaked the carpets. Know what's scary? Living in an empty dormitory when you've just been traumatized. It feels very much like a horror movie waiting to happen.

The intruder had only taken my work bag so I thought the joke was on him. The bag was mostly filled with teddy grahams from our field trip to a Red's game. But my checkbook was in there. The bank advised me to close the account and we could deal with any outstanding checks. I guess the joke was on me.

We found a great house and were all settled in by the first of August. The first week I spent my nights sitting up at the kitchen table where I had a view of both the front and back doors. I slowly moved into my room. I would wake up sitting on the floor having spent the night looking through a crack in the door I kept barred with a dresser. I took baby steps and eventually was able to relax in the new place. But it wasn't over.

In September I was accepted for a job as a home health aid. I had to go downtown for a police check. The police said I had an outstanding warrant for an unpaid check. They said all I needed to do was find a police officer ad ask for a recite. He would write a ticket and I could go to court to take care of everything.

On my way home from school a day or two later I stopped at Kroger to pick up a few things. On my way out I popped into the police sub-station to ask for that recite. The officer there was a younger black woman and she was very nice. She called someone who explained to her how to write the recite. We chatted a little while I waited. When she was done she called her sergeant to clear everything. When the conversation ended, she hung up the phone slowly, an almost guilty look on her face. "My sergeant says you have to be processed" I have no idea what this means. "You have to be arrested"

To Be Continued...

Blaspheming for Fun

2010-01-02T20:46:00.003-05:00

We passed this billboard tonight. It says "I miss hearing you say 'Merry Christmas' -Jesus"

Jt: Jesus can be such a NAG.

St: It's only been like SIX DAYS! Geez.

Jt: Everybody gets ONE birthday, Jesus. Get over it.

Year-End Clearance

2010-01-01T17:23:00.006-05:00

Doing this long-ass year-in-review survey from Sundry again this year. I'd enjoy this more if Blogger made cut and paste posting easier.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?

I used a trainer and stuck to a committed workout schedule. It only lasted about 8 weeks but it was a big accomplishment for me.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions and will you make more for next year?

I don't do resolutions. If I did I would say that I will eat better and start exercising again. It's not a resolution. It just sounds like one.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Not super close. One cousin, one cousin's girlfriend and my sister's friend.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Nope!

5. What countries did you visit?

I'm gonna go ahead and use last year's answer here, "Hahahahahahahahaha...ha"

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

Confidence and, as usual, discipline.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched in your memory and why?

January 20. Watching Barack Obama, a black man with a funny name, getting sworn in as president let us feel like maybe things can change.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Working out.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Letting the ankle injury kill my fitness run.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I fell down the front steps holding Ziva. To keep her safe I had to take the fall on my right ankle. I ended up with a nasty burn/abrasion and a sprain. But the new bone growth I can feel suggests it was actually fractured or severely bruised. This was last July but it's still sore!

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Well, technically Jt bought my iPhone and my KitchenAid so the best thing *I* bought is the down comforter from Ikea.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My husband. Honestly. For Valentine's Day he surprised me with a night at a nice hotel, BY MYSELF. All. Alone. Mother's Day was the iPhone, Christmas was the KitchenAid. He also got up almost every single night with the baby. He just decided he was going to do nights and then he did. He worked his tail off at his job even when he was unhappy and that brought us a new measure of financial security.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

The TeaBaggers, Town Hall Screamers and the 9-12 um...demonstrators. Seriously.

14. Where did most of your money go?

To the usual places. House, cars, debt, medical, food. The new one this year was the Y membership. Expensive and worth it.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Watching the California Supreme Court hearings on Prop 8 was equal parts exciting and frustrating. Seeing the crowd gathered for the decision and then watching them protest it was amazing.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

All the Above - Maino ft. T-Pain

It's really, really cheesy but this was my workout song. When I'm not with a trainer, not in a spin class, just on a machine by myself I find it really helpful to harness old pain and use it to push out some anger. This drives me to work harder.

"Tell me what do you see when you're looking at me. On a mission to be what I'm destined to be. I done been through the pain and the sorrow, the struggle is nothing but love. I'm a soldier, a rider and yeah, a survivor and all the above"

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

-happier or sadder? About the same

-thinner of fatter? Fatter

-richer or poorer? Richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Active recreation with the girls. More time at the pool, more time hiking.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Spending money on pointless things like fast food.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Morning here with the kids, then all of us in Dayton for the day, finished by seeing Sherlock Holmes, just me and Jt.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?

If I did, it was with my iPhone so we're just gonna skim right over this question, yes?

22. What was your favorite tv program?

We discovered Battlestar Galactica and I like it but I picked back up with The Wire and SEASON FOUR O.M.G.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Not really, I don't like to use the word hate when I'm talking about people. I'm pretty sure that I dislike Glenn Beck even more than I did last year.

24. What was the best book you read?

I haven't finished In Defense of Food but I really like it so far. I LOVE the Mercy Thompson books by Patricia Briggs (starts with Moon Called). Her Alpha and Omega series is good as well.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Hands down K'naan. No question. My new friend at Kick Me posted about him and it was the first I'd heard of him.

This is my favorite song but I'm partial to hearing Swahili and I also have a little bitty crush on Mos Def. If you aren't sure after this song, look up Wavin' Flag.

26. What did you want and get?

My couch

27. What did you want and not get?

A kid-free weekend. I'm not really ready to leave Ziva for that long though.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

I really liked Star Trek. Precious was exactly what you'd expect and it was amazing. Totally lost my shit seeing The Hangover in the theater but it wasn't quite the same on DVD.

29. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?

I turned 32 and once again, my sister really came through. We got pedicures and manicures while we had wine and Godiva chocolate then she took me out to Brio's for dinner.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

If we had made more of a dent in out debt and if I had really stuck to the better eating.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

Still rockin' the sweatpants. My fashion concept is that there are two set fat girl styles, I don't like either of them and they don't make anything else.

32. What kept you sane?

The internet and my friends who live there.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

There's that word again. I did not used to like David Boreanaz but I had a dream that changed everything.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Is there anyone who won't say healthcare here?

35. Who did you miss?

I need to see my sisters more often and I really miss my nephew. I did spend some time missing my sisters-in-law as well but that's been remedied for now.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Susan Campbell at the blog Dating Jesus (also the title of her book) and all the regular commenters there.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

Without discipline you are just treading water.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"Etcetera, whatever, I guess all I really mean is we're gonna be alright. Yeah, we're gonna be alright. You can close your eyes tonight. 'Cause we're gonna be alright."

Etcetera, Whatever - Over the Rhine

This year afforded us some time to learn how to relax instead of always waiting for the next terrible thing.

On a side note, according to some Facebook app I use the word "really" second most often of all the words. But really, you probably already knew that.

The Sun and the Umbrella Plant

2009-12-29T14:40:00.003-05:00

See the shadow design there in the middle?

Whad'ya Get?!

2009-12-26T23:59:00.007-05:00

How was your Christmas? Or Hanukkah? Or Solstice? Or Kwanzaa? Or day off work?

Mine was lovely, thanks.

Christmas Eve the girls and I met my parents at Crossroads for their big Awaited program. It was as amazing as I expected, even better than last year. Ziva gave us the gift of sleeping through the whole show. The girls and I got our pictures in the photo booth and the girls really enjoyed the train display and the Kid City playground. Last year they were both bored with the program but this year Elliet was on the edge of her seat the whole time. She's one step closer to going to the Over the Rhine Christmas show with us! That night, the children all went to bed on time with no fussing. Jt put together Elliet's bike and finished wrapping gifts while I made tags and watched Lost.

Christmas morning we opened gifts (I was surprised with a KitchenAid mixer!) and I made monkey bread. It was thoroughly cooked this year so that's a step up, but I'm still looking for the perfect recipe. Then we threw our stuff together and headed up to Dayton to gather with my family. We opened more gifts and ate the best dinner of the year and had a great time. More relatives came by and it was great to see everyone. Jt and I scurried out around 9:30 to see Sherlock Holmes. Great movie, Robert Downey, Jr. was perfect and is wow, kinda hot with the older, scruffy thing he has going on. We came back and crashed on an air mattress in the living room. My mom made bacon and eggs for breakfast and we played a few rounds of Monopoly Deal before heading back home.

At home, we cleaned and cleaned and cleaned until it was time to go next door for pizza and a movie. The kids had fun with their friends and we watched Four Christmases (pretty funny!). I made drinks with the shit-ton of liquor I picked up Christmas Eve. Over ice I poured equal parts Stoli vodka, Godiva liqueur and Frangelico then added milk to the top. SO yummy!

Sunday afternoon my brother and sister in-law's family came over. I adore them and was so glad we could spend a couple of hours together. We had chili and the kids played in the little bit of snow that was falling. Later that night we exchanged gifts with Flipper and Jayden. Jt and I finished off our holiday watching the latest Harry Potter movie.

I can't think of a better way to spend the holiday...except for maybe seeing even MORE family! Okay, and maybe avoiding awkward attempts by my parents at converting my sister's boyfriend and convincing us all that Fox News is TEH AWESOME.

What did you do? By which I mean What Did You Get???

JUST What You Wanted, A Christmas Meme!

2009-12-21T10:22:00.004-05:00

(Lifted from Swistle who lifted it from someone else. Which I guess is what makes it a meme.)

Eggnog or hot chocolate? I like both, but I don't drink either one very often. (I lifted this answer from Swistle as well, I don't REALLY need to re-word that do I?)

Does Santa wrap the presents or leave them open under the tree? We wrap everything but the stocking stuffers. We are still piecing together the whole Santa thing. When Elliet was very small I decided to tell them that Santa is a game we play. But then they really wanted to believe and people told me that they were't screwed up by this lie so I relented and now there IS a Santa but I'm not sure what he does. Does he give them ONE gift? The one big one? Just the stockings? I have NO IDEA.

The last time Elliet asked me ,"Is he REALLY real?" I was caught off-guard. She wants to believe but doesn't want to be fooled. I told her that nobody knows if Santa's real and I think she's decided that he is.

Colored lights on a tree or white? As long as Jt is the one do put the lights on, they will be white. I like both.

Do you hang mistletoe? No but only because I hadn't thought of it.

When do you put your decorations up? The first weekend after we get home from Thanksgiving in North Carolina.

What is your favorite holiday dish? My mother makes prime rib and Yorkshire pudding and rutabagas. Dangit, now I have to clean drool off my keyboard!

Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? The girls are both getting slippers this year so I think we'll do those.

How do you decorate your Christmas tree? Jt puts a whole mess of white lights inside the tree and then we all put on the ragtag bunch of ornaments. I try to see that they are spread out but we keep the bottom third of the tree empty anyway because of the baby.

Snow: love it or hate it? Love it, so pretty, so quiet, so fun! HATE it, so slippery, so wet, so cold.

Can you ice skate? No way, haven't tried since I was a kid but we'll take the girls next year.

What is your favorite holiday dessert? Hungarian Butter Cookies

What is your favorite holiday tradition? Presents. I don't know, we get up and do presents here and then spend the rest of the day in Dayton with my parents and sisters and Nana. It's a great day.

Candy canes: yum or yuck? Love them. I don't care for other peppermints at all but I LOVE candy canes.

Favorite Christmas show? The original Grinch.

And Because I'm a Winner...

2009-12-16T12:52:00.002-05:00

I spotted this ad in the business section of the New York Times. It took me a full 60 seconds to realize that it was not targeting Homeless people with it's cheap, soup kitchen meals.

I'm a Winner

2009-12-14T18:46:00.006-05:00

It's true, I win things. I remember the very first thing I ever won. It was a pack of sprees I won on the inside of a sprees wrapper. I was 16 and had just moved from Kansas City to Dayton and I was missing my best friend. So I sent her the wrapper. It was a very special gift, see. I was giving her the only thing I had ever won and I was giving her what would be my FREE CANDY. For reference, she sent me marshmallows from her Lucky Charms. All smashed up in the envelope. What I'm saying is I like candy.

My husband won a very large television a few years ago. It was entirely too big for our house so I ebayed it. What an ordeal that turned out to be. But we had money and paid our bills so that was good. Then I won a trip to Hawaii. For real.

I still don't remember entering the drawing but I usually enter whatever comes my way if it's not a big hassle (hence all the winning). A lady called me and told me I had won and I didn't know what to say. "I don't remember entering that but I do shop at Bigg's so I guess maybe I did?" I think I let her down with my lack of enthusiasm. So there was some papers and some notarizing and then we just had to go. The kids were little so Jedd's mom came and stayed here with them. We had $500 to last the whole week so the fanciest thing we ate was Cheesecake Factory. We watched Law and Order reruns (we didn't have cable at home, it was exciting!) we ate a lot of McDonald's. They have rice as a side dish there and packets of soy sauce right by the ketchup. We walked the beach a lot but only swam once. We walked by the zoo and peeked through the fences. We hiked a big ass hill.

We had a great time.

Then last year I won a CPR kit from Amazing Trips and last week I won an ornament from Haworth Handmade through Swistle's Review blog. I picked this one:

Cute, right? So, have you ever won anything?

Christmas Cookies

2009-12-10T20:54:00.004-05:00

So I'm curious, are you baking this year? What do you make and what do you do with the stuff you make? I think I'm just baking for family and the office staff at the girls' schools this year. I don't think I'll make a lot, maybe some mini pumpkin loaves and Hungarian Butter Cookies. The butter cookies are a family tradition and they are SO GOOD. I'm still looking for other recipes to try out so I am going to check out every link at The Mom Creative cookie recipe exchange for ideas.

Hungarian Butter Cookies

1# butter (that's how you know these are AWESOME)

1c sugar

6 egg yolks

4c flour

2 tsp vanilla

1 tsp baking powder

After you mix these up you have to refrigerate them for a couple hours. Take out half the dough at a time and work quickly so it doesn't get warm. Roll them out using flour* and cut into large circles. Roll them thin, maybe 1/6 inch? They need to be thin but they are very fragile so if they are too thin they will break. On half of the circles, cut another circle out of the center.

Bake at 375° for 4-6 minutes. You don't want them brown, just done. When cool spread the circles with raspberry or apricot preserves and top with a cookie with a hole in it. On the raspberry ones we sprinkle a little powdered sugar. My mom puts chopped nuts on the apricot ones but I don't like nuts so I don't really know how she makes them stick.

*edited, these are actually rolled out in powdered sugar, not flour!

Stuff with Beans

2009-12-07T11:21:00.003-05:00

I made two of the easiest dinners ever this past week. On Friday I found some loose andouille sausage on clearance at Jungle Jims. I browned it (about 1#) and added two cans of red beans and one can of light red kidney beans (these are what I keep on hand for chili). I added a little Chachere's Creole seasoning, onion powder, garlic powder, black pepper and cumin. then I added two cans of chicken broth. Let that cook down a little, I served it over brown rice. So easy and SO good.
Then last night we tried Shredded Chicken Tacos from Tasty Kitchen that I first saw at Suburban Bliss (I love her "Did They Eat It?" posts). This was so easy, my favorite way to cook, you just throw everything in the crock pot and you're done.

1 package frozen corn
1 can black beans, rinsed and drained
3-4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts - these can be frozen (even better!)
1 jar salsa
1 envelope taco seasoning

Layer corn, then beans, then seasoning, chicken and then salsa on top. 6-8 hours on high or 3-4 hours on low, shred chicken and mix with corn and beans. Fill taco shells or tortillas.

I used taco seasoning and some Mrs Dash Southwest Chipotle seasoning. I also don't like the texture of onions or cooked peppers so I pureed my salsa. We served these on tortillas with a little cheese and sour cream. My mom added chicken broth to the leftovers and made soup!

Fixed anything new lately? Extra points if it's easy!

Dreaming Little

2009-12-05T16:54:00.002-05:00

My friend Suzanne at List, Lust, Lost made a list recently, a sort of life list. Some people call it a bucket list. She had some little things, some bigger, things to learn, things to experience, places to go. I thought I would try this but I couldn't think of much. Then I did one of those surveys on Facebook and one question was "where would you visit if you had the chance?" and I said Alaska. No, really.
It was then that I realized I had stopped dreaming big. I have no idea what this means. Is it good? Is it part of learning how to be content where I am? I have felt very content lately, not wanting for much. An idea will come up and I think, "nah, I don't really need that" Or is it bad? Is it evidence I've contracted the sickness of mothers, the one where your dreams just don't matter anymore? I really don't know. I don't want to go through life always wanting for something. But I also don't want to go through life accomplishing nothing because I stopped trying.
So here's the list, I'll try and think big where I can:

SKILLS AND KNOWLEDGE

-Learn some basic Swahili - I just like it, it's a beautiful language

-Learn a craft, right now I'm leaning toward quilting. I have tried knitting a few times but I have tension issues, which is also why I didn't get anywhere with piano. I can't seem to make my hands and fingers do things gently.

-Learn enough Spanish to get by in a Spanish-speaking country for at least a few weeks

-Get enough medical training (probably RN) to do medical outreach here and abroad. This one is hard because I don't really want to be a nurse. Well, sometimes I do but usually I don't. But I want something important to offer the world.

TRAVEL
These are harder, these are the ones that have me wondering how driven I really am to include them on the list. Part of this is just wondering if I will ever come to a point in life that the expense for these trips is justified or even available.

-Travel to Africa, not sure where yet. See the wildlife.

-Travel to Australia, see the outback (that's a thing right?) and the reef.

EXPERIENCES

-Work in an orphanage in Romania for not longer than a month (unless Jt goes with me)

-Have a big dog

-Go to Burning Man at least one more time

-Keep chickens, just some laying hens. No more fretting over finding free range eggs.

-Switch to local, humane, clean meat

CAREER

-Have one. That really is as far as I've gone with this one.

RELATIONSHIPS AND FAMILY

-Find my half-brother, whether he wants a relationship or not. I just want to know who he is.

PHYSICAL FEATS

-Complete an XTERRA race

-Finish Burning Man tattoo (not exactly a feat, I know)

If you want to make your own list, start here:
Raptitude.com: How to Make a Life List You’ll Actually Do: A Comprehensive Guide

Outside. We Go There Sometimes

2009-12-02T20:41:00.003-05:00

This Week on Facebook

2009-11-12T12:09:00.005-05:00

I know a few of you aren't on Facebook so I thought I'd share some of the fun stuff that's been over there this week...

Videos of dogs greeting their returning owners/veterans. Need to cry? There you go.

I've been enjoying a thread on the 9 News page about a billboard put up by a group for atheists.
Sounds pretty harmless, eh? So you can guess how Cincinnatians responded, uproar and threats.

Then there's this hilarious link that's been going around with a recording of two messages some guy left for some girl after trying to pick her up. Go now and listen. So hilarious. It reminded me of this guy I met at a used car lot. One afternoon my friend Tamiko and I went out to a local used car dealership to look around. We were approached by a man named Sunny (Sonny?) who had me fill out a form, I don't remember what for, I wasn't buying anything. That night he calls me. AT HOME. He wanted to tell me that I was very pretty and that he had a good, solid job and a home. He has a nice group of friends who I would like very much. I (being unable to shake the need to be a "nice girl") told him how I was in college and happily living with my sister and two dogs. Or was it a dog and two cats? I don't remember. Anyway he tells me how his house has room for all of us, my sister too. I called the dealership and tattled.

Tomato Curry Chicken and Rice

2009-11-07T20:53:00.007-05:00

Curry is one of those things that you either like or you hate. Sort of like licorice. I love curry and it turns out Kenai loves curry too! I had never actually cooked with it so I was happy to get this recipe from my good friend, Taffany.
Taffany is one of those people who just makes you stop and go, "Oh. Wow." She's incredibly driven and keeps going long after I would have given up. Just knowing her is like going to your first decent diversity training. I met her at church, a Christian/Church of Christ but she now attends a Nazarene fellowship. She was involved with the Mormons for a while and still had them come and pray with her before major surgery. The first time I had this rice dish she had made it for her daughter's birthday party. She had also made bbq turkey instead of pork because some of their friends who were coming to the party are Muslim. There were Latino friends, white friends and African friends; Christians and Muslims gathered around a huge spread of food, playing corn hole and running around. I hope it was something like what Heaven will be like.

Tomato Curry Chicken and Rice
vegetable or canola oil
onion (at least 1/2 large)
tomatoes (one can diced or fresh)
tomato paste (one small can)
boneless skinless chicken (I used 3 breasts)
rice - this usually calls for jasmine which is what I used but it has a particular texture that not everyone likes so long grain white rice is fine as well
salt, cumin, curry, garlic, goya (blue lid), red pepper flakes, tenderizer (optional)
water
frozen vegetables (peas are best)

First cut your chicken pieces into bite size, toss them with a little oil and all the spices listed above. Let them sit like that.
Dice your onion. You can do it as big or small as you'd like. I love the taste of onion but the texture makes me vomit so I chopped them until they screamed for mercy. I chopped the HELL out of those onions. Smaller than the onions on your McDonald's cheeseburger, these onions. See,

Cook the onion in your canola oil until it's tender (or if you are like me, very, very tender) Add the can of tomato paste and the diced fresh or canned tomatoes. I don't like large pieces of cooked tomato (I know I'm SO picky) so I got a can of petite diced tomatoes and then chopped them even smaller. Cook this down until it's a nice brown color. Add the spices listed above (minus the tenderizer)

While the tomato is cooking throw your rice into another skillet and brown it just a little. This brings out the flavor or something, I'm not sure. But it's fun and it smells good. I ended up using two cups of rice for the amount of chicken I had.

Add the rice to the tomato mixture with the amount of water called for on the bag. Then use the rice skillet to brown the chicken.

When the chicken is cooked through, add it to the rice and tomato. Add the vegetables. Taffany uses mixed veggies, I used peas and spinach. I would highly recommend skipping the spinach and going with just peas.

I LOVED this meal. Elliet tried it and didn't like it. Jedd didn't try it. Kenai ate it every single day until it was gone.

My Dad and I

2009-11-05T13:04:00.002-05:00

Allllmost talking politics.

Sincerely

2009-11-04T14:46:00.004-05:00

Dear childcare workers,
Ziva is tall for her age. She is not old enough to be on the toddler climber alone. She is not old enough to sit in an adult rocker by herself. Oh, and don't give me a reprimanding note about bringing in a cup for her when I brought in a cup for her.

Dear voters,
Gay people are just PEOPLE. They fall in love, they build a life with someone and they have families. Your ignorance is HURTING them. This is not a theocracy, we do not legislate morals.

Dear orthopedic doctor,
Thank you for spending more than 60 seconds looking at my daughter. I know that now that she is post-surgery she's not quite as interesting as many of the cases you get. Thank you for taking time with her anyway and for understanding that there is more to orthopedics than surgery.

Dear November,
Thank you for mint m&m's and peppermint mocha creamer. You're my favorite.

Current Playlist

2009-10-13T17:43:00.004-04:00

Run This Town - Jay-Z with Rihanna
I love all things Rihanna. Well, most things Rihanna. PS, Jay-Z "No Homo" is teh LAME.
Forever - Chris Brown
Yes, because of the YouTube video...
Down - Jay Sean with Lil Wayne
Which sounds so much like Forever that I sometimes confuse them
Whatcha Say - Jason Derulo
It grows on you
Don't Stop Believing - Glee Cast
They do it better than Journey.
Hide And Seek - Imogen Heap
I downloaded this to try and make it my friend's ringtone because we discovered the Dear Sister parodies while she was living here and it's a great memory. She called me up the other day when she heard Whatcha Say on the radio, we couldn't believe someone was sampling this song.
Bittersweet Symphony - The Verve
When Hide and Seek turned out to be non-ringtone compatible (fuck you very much, Apple) I downloaded this, one of my friend's favorite songs (from Cruel Intentions, one of her favorite movies) and it turned out to be non-ringtone compatible (no really, Apple) I should probably check compatibility before I download.
Please Don't Leave Me - P!nk
Because P!nk is the shit. And have you seen this video? So funny, I'll pin it to the bottom of this post for you.
Use Somebody - Kings of Leon
What is it about that guy's voice?
Dirty Little Secret - The All-American Rejects
I'm ~~going to hell but I'm~~ actually proud that Elliet knows the words
Sugar, We're Goin Down - Fall Out Boy
Very catchy
Know Your Enemy - Green Day
It's Green Day, everyone should have SOME Green Day. Take your pick, it all sounds pretty much the same!
Crazy Bitch - Buckcherry
Because my sister said it's my song... Plus it's not a good playlist unless there's one song I have to skip when the kids are with me.

What are you listening to?

No embedding of the P!nk video so here's the link!
Please Don't Leave Me

(I'm trying out Blip.fm so I'm going to try and embed these songs over there on the sidebar. We'll see how that works out. Don't worry, if it starts up automatically I will delete it.)

**Edit**The player was acting up so instead there is a link to my Blip page where you will find all of these songs.

My Confession

2009-10-01T10:32:00.005-04:00

I did not nurse Kenai or Ziva for very long. I had reasons for giving up, pretty good reasons I think, but I still feel guilty. I wear the shame and regret that has become the mother's uniform. I'm not proud of it, I'm actually more ashamed of the way I feel than I am about the original "sin". But I always come back to this feeling that I cheated my children. Usually, it's after talking to breast feeding advocates.

I'm not against breast feeding (Elliet was nursed exclusively for a year). I'm not against advocating breast feeding. What I am against is people making claims that formula kills. I'm against comparing the marketing of formula to women in the US to serious human rights violations. I refuse to believe the assertion that women are so easily swayed by a pretty can of formula that we shouldn't even offer it to them or they will turn away from the almighty breast. Formula doesn't kill. Lack of clean water kills. Lack of education kills. Starvation and dehydration kill.

They say instead of guilt, I should feel anger. That I should blame the industry for making me think it was okay to give formula, for being tricksy enough to fool me into thinking formula would nourish my baby. That still tells me that formula is bad and my children will be inferior because of it. It assumes I wouldn't haven't chosen to formula feed if it weren't so readily available. It assumes I don't want to take responsibility for my own choices. But I do take responsibility. I had all the information then that I do now but I still chose to stop breast feeding when it became too difficult.

The #nestlefamily ordeal on Twitter was I *think* supposed to be about Nestle's unethical corporate practices. This includes using cacao harvested by slaves and children and heavy-handed marketing of baby formula to women in developing countries who have then mixed it wrong or mixed it with dirty water, both of which can lead to serious illness and death. I'm not sure what else it includes. There were people who were also upset about things like free cans of formula being given to new moms (in the US). That's when I got into the conversation. I was surprised that in the midst of a discussion on serious human rights violations, people still wanted to make it about how formula is bad and shouldn't be marketed to anyone. It makes me very uncomfortable when people make an argument that sounds very much like, "If women had fewer options, they'd make the 'right' choice." I don't like it.

I'm not going to boycott Nestle. I don't really think boycotting is all that effective and you have to be REALLY dedicated to boycott a company that big (seriously, they make EVERYTHING). Instead of boycotting I usually try and support companies I like. I buy fair trade coffee, preferably from companies that only sell fair trade products, but I'm not boycotting Folgers. I buy Seventh Generation cleaners but I'm not boycotting Clorox. I can get behind fair trade chocolate but I don't really buy much chocolate. I have tweeted to @NestleFamily to ask them what they can do to eliminate slave labor in cacao farming.

What do you think of Nestle? Will you boycott? Do you think boycotts are effective?

Edited: I just saw that I had written "free trade coffee" instead of "fair trade coffee" Not really the same thing! Fixed.

Again With The Muffins

2009-09-15T09:39:00.003-04:00

I have been searching for a muffin recipe for a while now. All I want is something that is healthy, tastes good and isn't too hard to make. I'm either asking for too much or I just haven't found it yet. The last one I tried just didn't come out to my liking at all (even though I ADORE the blogger who posted it). Since then I've been making bran muffins using the original All Bran recipe. These are good. I use 1/2-n-1/2 whole wheat and white flour and I've been experimenting with adding ground flax seed. I also like things a teensy bit sweeter so I sprinkle a little cinnamon-sugar on top of the muffins before baking.
The bran muffins are good but I really want something with bananas in it. I have a killer banana bread recipe but it is SO not healthy and I find I am frequently in possession of browning bananas. Yesterday Kenai wanted to bake something so we tried out a recipe I found on the blog Sweet Savory Southern.

Healthy Banana Muffins

1 cup whole wheat flour (I used 3/4 cup)

1/2 cup all purpose flour ( I used 3/4 cup)

1/2 cup granulated sugar (you can use a combo of brown & white if you’d like)

2 tsp baking powder

1 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 cup chopped nuts (almonds, walnuts, pecans…whatever you prefer)

1/2 tsp ground cinnamon

dash or two of nutmeg

1 egg

3/4 cup skim milk

1/3 cup unsweetened applesauce

1/2 tsp vanilla extract

1 cup mashed bananas

Preheat oven to 400*

Using a whisk, combine all your dry ingredients in one bowl: whole wheat and AP flour, sugar, baking soda and powder, salt, nuts, spices).

Beat the egg lightly in a separate bowl. Whisk in milk, applesauce, vanilla to the eggs.

Whisk wet ingredients into dry ingredients. Fold bananas in.

Divide the batter among a greased or paper-lined muffin tin.

Bake for about 18 minutes or until an inserted toothpick comes out clean.

I used 1/2-n-1/2 whole wheat and white flour since I keep it mixed that way. Now that I think about it, I don't know the actual ratio due to some mishaps involving a husband who doesn't know he shouldn't just dump expensive bags of organic flour together all willy-nilly. ANYWAY. I used 2% milk and no nuts. I didn't have nutmeg so I added an extra dash of cinnamon. I also sprinkled cinnamon sugar on top. These were done (maybe slightly too done) at 16 minutes. They came out delicious and very moist. However, they have this thin outer layer that is kind of chewy. I'm not sure why that is yet, I've had this problem with other recipes.

The baby loves the muffins (maybe a little too much). I like them aside from the slightly rubbery outside issue (it's like a skin). They were good straight from the oven but even better this morning with a little cream cheese.

Maybe I'd Want to Do It If It Weren't Called "Discipline"

2009-09-10T11:22:00.003-04:00

Jedd and I started the Dave Ramsey program last night. I wouldn't say I'm a fan of Ramsey, he's a little too conservative about gender roles and money for my taste. But he knows his shit. Our finances are a joke. Seriously, it's ridiculous. Jedd makes a decent salary but we are always broke. We have no savings to speak of and plenty of unsecured debt. See, we really like to NOT plan for things. We like to be undisciplined in every way we can get away with. (yes, a preposition, shut up) We like to avoid planning dinner so that we have to eat out when dinner time rolls around and we realize we don't have a personal chef. We aren't *big* spenders, we might go to the mall once or twice a year for the Apple store and Godiva. We don't have expensive clothes, Jedd gets his hair cut at "Should Have Done It Your Own Self" Super Cuts. I go fancy so I only go once or twice a year. We don't have new cars, we didn't get a tv until the color went out on the old one and when we did we got it small enough that the kid at Best Buy asked if it was our "bedroom model". We got a new couch when the two-seater just wasn't enough for our family anymore and we only spent $400.
The fourth "baby step" in the program is Building Wealth. Building wealth requires discipline is what Dave Ramsey said. Discipline. Huh. I bet discipline could help us in a lot of other ways. I bet discipline would get me to the gym again. I bet it would help us be more gentle with the children. Discipline might even help me stop eating so damn much. So now there's a theme. Discipline is my theme. The conviction I talked about before requires discipline.
Now, how do you get discipline? Is it just something you decide to do? Is it a "fake it til you make it" sort of thing? It sounds hard.
I'm going to work on being disciplined with our money, with food, with exercise, with parenting and maybe with reading the (*Gulp*) Bible. Did I mention I can't remember the last time I read the Bible? Yikes. So I'm going to try this discipline thing and it's going to solve EVERYTHING!
I'll keep you posted.

I Made Some Dinner Tonight

2009-08-10T22:24:00.002-04:00

I did. It was good and it was simple. I have a newish friend who is very cool and I'm finding that I sort of ADORE her. She is the one who convinced me to workout and then split a trainer with me. (mmm, delicious trainer)
Anyway, this friend told me she couldn't really cook. What I didn't realize was that she really can't cook. She and her brood came over for chili once and she wanted to know how I made it so I jotted down the basic ingredients. I mean, it's chili. She asked me how long to cook it after you put it all together. Uhh, until it's hot?
I mentioned this friend to my mom who reminded me that I had to ask her how to fry an egg after I got married. (I can cook a mean egg now. Shut up)
So anyway, from now on I will post occasional food things like I always have but they will be very basic so that my friend (should she ever read here) and others like her can figure it out. Given some time these people will be able to fry an egg and saute a veggie as well as the rest of us.
So today I needed to make dinner. I have to do this because my kids can only eat so many fried eggs, no matter how well I make them. Plus have you SEEN the price of free range eggs? Those bitches are pure gold.
So I made dinner. I had some zucchini and yellow squash that really needed to be cooked. I bought them because I like to cook them in a skillet with lots of garlic and eat them next to pretty much everything. But then I didn't do any cooking last week. So I washed them and sliced them. It doesn't matter how thick as long as they are all similar in size (keep the zucchini and yellow squash separate!). I heated a skillet on the notch above medium and put in a little olive oil, I'd say maybe a tablespoon or so? When it was warm (the oil gets shimmery) I crushed a few cloves of garlic into the pan and spread it around a bit. You don't want it in there very long by itself, once it's brown it changes the flavor of the garlic. So at this point I added in the zucchini and then about 1/3 cup of chicken broth and put the lid on the skillet. I have found that the yellow squash cooks faster than the zucchini. So about three minutes later I add in the yellow squash and put the lid back on. It cooks for a few minutes 5? 10? I'm not entirely sure, I'd say check it every 3 minutes. It's done when the pieces look more opaque, not so white anymore, and they are soft. It was early in the day so I took them out of the skillet and put them in a glass bowl. I used tongs so I could leave the broth in the pan. Then I threw a large handful of frozen carrots in the pan and covered it. I cooked this on the notch between low and medium for a few minutes until they were hot and soft. I let the carrots cool and then pureed them. I used a mini blender because I don't really know how to use the big one. Add in the juice from the pan for a little extra moisture. I added the carrot puree to two cans of spaghetti sauce (we like LaRosa's). At dinnertime I mixed the sauce, carrot puree and veggies together and served it over whole wheat pasta (Bella Terra is the best, trust me). It was really good and super healthy.
What'd you make for dinner?

Conviction

2009-08-09T02:18:00.002-04:00

I hate conviction. I hate it because it means I HAVE to do something. It will eat at you until you do. Tonight I felt convicted. But this time I'm pretty happy about it.
During the Summer of Love series at church we have been going through the ten commandments. The ministers approached the commandments with the premise that God is love so what are the commandments saying about love? Tonight was the one about coveting.

Exodus 20:17 You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.

The preacher summed this up as "Love contentment" (each commandment had been re-worded as Love____). I cannot believe how bad this issue has become for me and how completely ignorant I was to it. I am not content. I want a bigger house. I want more money. I want to be able to eat out whenever I want without worrying about the money. I want more children. I want I want I want. It's ridiculous really.
So I feel convicted. I feel that I need to find contentment. I could start with being grateful for the things I have.
I am so grateful that Kenai is okay. Her surgery last year was successful and she hasn't had a seizure in over a year. Jedd has a good job and chances are, even if the company downsizes as a result of the healthcare bill, he will be one of the ones that stays on because they appreciate how hard he works for them. I am grateful that my family has come so far. It was not so long ago that I couldn't even talk to my parents and now my mom is one of my best friends. I am grateful for my old church and for my new church. I love them both for different reasons. LifeSpring is the first church I went to where I found family. I am certain I will carry some of those relationships with me forever. I am grateful for the church we are in now and their amazing willingness to serve the community and the world.
I have an idea of what this conviction will require of me but I will save that for another post. For now, I am simply aware of the problem and this is lightyears from where I was before the sermon.

In The Meantime

2009-07-27T16:47:00.003-04:00

I'm having one of those moments. Actually this particular moment occurs with some frequency so maybe it should be called something else. Whatever it's called, it's where I have a few ideas floating around my brain for posts here but I cannot convince myself that anyone cares. I can't just write for my own self because, ugh, I got over that somewhere during (okay after) college. It does nothing for me so I come here to share with you. I'm not a writer by trade or even hobby so when I try to write about the mundane, it actually sounds mundane. Sometimes I feel like everything I am thinking about has been said (and better) elsewhere, probably many times over. So for now, I give you "The Reader Survey" that I stole off Schmutzie that she stole off someone else. I'm changing the last question because I couldn't answer hers. Tell me about yourselves, c'mon, humor me? I'll start.

(Answer these questions in the comments blah blah blah)

1. Your URL should you have one

2. Where do you hail from? (bonus, do you hate sentences ended with prepositions?)

3. How did you find this blog or how did we meet?

4. If you had an alter-ego what would her occupation be?

Searching for That Thing

2009-07-09T16:38:00.003-04:00

I'm looking for that thing. You know THAT THING. The one that will fix everything? You know what I'm talking about? When I wanted to quit smoking I couldn't find that thing. I needed something that would make me really want to quit. I never did find it until I was pregnant with Elliet. Suddenly I had the thing and it was almost easy to quit. Then I needed the thing that would make me exercise. I got a DVD, I joined the Y, I asked them to show me around the nautilus facility, I started going to classes with a friend. But the thing turned out to be a weekly session with a trainer. Now I work out 6 days a week. Spinning, weight training, hiking with the kids, water aerobics and yoga. I love it all and I can't imagine quitting! I feel so strong already. Level one of the 30 Day Shred is a piece of cake and I even did one and two back-to-back last time for an extra challenge! But I haven't lost even an ounce of weight.
I cannot stop eating. It's terrible. It's embarassing. Like my friend Emily posted recently, I eat like the food is going somewhere. It's like there's a subconscious fear that I won't be able to eat this ever again. It is reminiscent of my final year of smoking. I knew I had to quit so every pack felt like the last even though it wasn't. My smoking increased to a pack and a half per day. That's 30 cigarettes every day. At least. For a year. At least.
This is probably very similar. I know I need to get my eating under control. I had a real scare with the diabetes during this last pregnancy. (You'd think THAT would be the thing, eh?) The doctors were certain I had developed Type 2 as opposed to it being just gestational but so far I am testing okay. So I know I have to "quit" and soon. I have to find that thing before a diagnosis of Type 2 IS that thing.
What thing are you looking for?

Dream House of the Week

2009-07-04T21:21:00.002-04:00

I've decided on a neighborhood! I know, it changes all the time. But for now, I'm hooked on Glendale and I'd really like to go see this house. The living room would need some work, excessive wood paneling isn't exactly our style, but I love the rest of it. We drove by and the yard goes way back and ends in a park. At some point before the girls are teens, maybe even before they are tweens, we would have to add a shower to the downstairs bathroom. I first found Glendale when I started researching Princeton schools. They are a big district with great programs but unlike some of the other great schools in Cincinnati, they also have racial and socio-economic diversity. The more I've seen about Princeton the more certain I am that it is where I'd like to be. So we looked at houses in Sharonville, Woodlawn, Springdale and Glendale. Glendale is the clear winner of the four.

It's Summer! Hip Hip Hooo-bleh

2009-06-23T16:49:00.004-04:00

I took the kids outside today so they could splash in the tiny pool and build things in the tiny sandbox. I laid out a nice flannel sheet for the baby to park her bare ass on. I tucked my tshirt sleeves up under my bra straps to even out the smidgelet of sun on my arms. Then I filled up the pool, took the lid off the sandbox and plopped myself into a chair to stare at the sun. Sounds nice right? How long did it last, you ask? As long as it took for the baby to pee on the sheet. I went to spray her off and forgot that my foot had been wrapped in a soft cast this very morning. So I was holding the wet baby and trying to get my wet shoes off before the cast got any wetter. So obviously, that meant it was time for lunch, sorry kids, we're going in.
I decided to try again this afternoon. (I'm nothing if not hopeful) That's when baby decides to POOP on the new sheet. And I decided not to check before I plopped her into the pool. Oops. So dump baby on clean half of sheet, run and turn on hose (which is on the front of the house, total FAIL), run back to dump the pool, spray it out and then spray off the baby. This time, I managed to avoid my shoes. So I refilled the pool, laid down a towel for the baby and finished looking straight into the sun. Aaahh, summer.

Grace in Small Things - 91

2009-06-05T14:12:00.002-04:00

1. Salted tomato slices

2. First strawberry from the yard

3. Lingering smell of cilantro after thinning the plants

4. Reading on the porch

5. Getting back in the water, complete with the overwhelming chlorine

Phone Call

2009-06-02T18:59:00.002-04:00

This evening Jt called me from work. It was about a half hour AFTER her should have been home.

Jt: I'm sorry, I just looked at my watch. I didn't know what time it was.

St: Ha! Wait til the girls are in high school and try to use that lame excuse!

Jt: Haha, yeah..

St: And I'll say, "Your dad tried that once. That's why you don't remember him."

Jt: Oh

Blogging for Equality

2009-06-01T22:25:00.005-04:00

Wow, June got here right quick didn't it? I am excited to be posting for the 4th Annual Blogging for LGBT Families. In October, I wrote a little thing about why Same-Sex Marriage should be legal. I mentioned in that post that I don't believe homosexuality is a sin. A friend asked me why I believed this but at the time I was worn out and didn't feel like looking it all up again. (Kinda shitty of me, I know. I plead post-partum) Sometime during my college years I started wondering if there wasn't more to this whole "gay" thing than I had always been taught. I remember wondering how it was a perversion if it came so natural to people. The more gay people I came across the more I wondered and the more my conscience ate at me. So I looked it up. On the internet. I found Religious Tolerance and read everything they had and whatever else I could find around the web. That was how I came to my conclusions.
I set out to do some re-research last week in preparation for this post. This time I came across the hands-down BEST article I've ever seen on the topic. I'm going to mention bits of it here but I HIGHLY recommend you all read it. The article was written for Soulforce by one of its founders, Reverend Mel White. He approaches the text with reverence and sincerity.
I'm not all that interested in the OT references. The story of Sodom is clearly not about homosexuality. The passage in Leviticus...well, Jed Bartlett covered that for us. I'm embedding in case you haven't seen it. It still gives me a chill but that may just be my president-crush. (you know, like girl-crush only with presidents? shutup)

Romans 1:26-27 is a bit trickier. Reverend White explains the context this way:

Paul is writing this letter to Rome after his missionary tour of the Mediterranean. On his journey Paul had seen great temples built to honor Aphrodite, Diana, and other fertility gods and goddesses of sex and passion instead of the one true God the apostle honors. Apparently, these priests and priestesses engaged in some odd sexual behaviors -- including castrating themselves, carrying on drunken sexual orgies, and even having sex with young temple prostitutes (male and female) -- all to honor the gods of sex and pleasure.

The Bible is clear that sexuality is a gift from God. Our Creator celebrates our passion. But the Bible is also clear that when passion gets control of our lives, we're in deep trouble.

When we live for pleasure, when we forget that we are God's children and that God has great dreams for our lives, we may end up serving the false gods of sex and passion, just as they did in Paul's time. In our obsession with pleasure, we may even walk away from the God who created us -- and in the process we may cause God to abandon all the great dreams God has for our lives.

Did these priests and priestesses get into these behaviors because they were lesbian or gay? I don't think so. Did God abandon them because they were practicing homosexuals? No. Read the text again.

After this, the reverend tackles 1 Corinthians 6:9 and 1 Timothy 1:10 and the meaning of the words, "malokois and arsenokoitai." These words are included on a list Paul gives of behaviors the Christians should avoid. Here's what Reverend White says:

Greek scholars say that in first century the Greek word malaokois probably meant "effeminate call boys." The New Revised Standard Version says "male prostitutes."

As for arsenokoitai, Greek scholars don't know exactly what it means -- and the fact that we don't know is a big part of this tragic debate. Some scholars believe Paul was coining a name to refer to the customers of "the effeminate call boys." We might call them "dirty old men." Others translate the word as "sodomites," but never explain what that means.

In 1958, for the first time in history, a person translating that mysterious Greek word into English decided it meant homosexuals, even though there is, in fact, no such word in Greek or Hebrew. But that translator made the decision for all of us that placed the word homosexual in the English-language Bible for the very first time.

Fascinating stuff. Here's more:

In the past, people used Paul's writings to support slavery, segregation, and apartheid. People still use Paul's writings to oppress women and limit their role in the home, in church, and in society.

Now we have to ask ourselves, "Is it happening again?" Is a word in Greek that has no clear definition being used to reflect society's prejudice and condemn God's gay children?

We all need to look more closely at that mysterious Greek word arsenokoitai in its original context. I find most convincing the argument from history that Paul is condemning the married men who hired hairless young boys (malakois) for sexual pleasure just as they hired smooth-skinned young girls for that purpose.

Responsible homosexuals would join Paul in condemning anyone who uses children for sex, just as we would join anyone else in condemning the threatened gang rape in Sodom or the behavior of the sex-crazed priests and priestesses in Rome. So, once again, I am convinced that this passage says a lot about God, but nothing about homosexuality as we understand it today.

There is much more in the article and I would again recommend you read it, especially if you are interested in this conversation. I am happy to open this up for discussion.

And let me end with this. No matter what you believe about homosexuality, same-sex marriage has to be, and will be, legal. I am dead certain that I don't want my sins to be legislated. Have you seen this video? How would you feel if your rights were limited to what someone else believed was a sin?

*UPDATE-edited to include the link for the article and a few other things I decided to toss in just because I was back in edit and I could.

90

2009-05-16T14:25:00.003-04:00

1. This bush

up close

2. Re-potting all my houseplants in different sizes of these matching pots from Ikea
(isn't this shamrock adorable?)

3. Tomato plants are in the ground!

4. Cilantro seeds are planted!

5. Bird feeders are hung and VERY popular

89

2009-05-13T23:26:00.002-04:00

1. Using one of my Mother's Day gifts

2. My baby stood up today!

3. Seed 2.0 I love this song so much. My love of Erykah Badu led me to purchase Things Fall Apart years ago but I hadn't kept up with the band. Then Brad put this song on a CD for us.

4. Recorded this today.

5. There's a bunny that's been hanging out in our yard all day. He was maybe ten feet from Kerewin but she didn't seem to notice.

88

2009-05-10T22:01:00.003-04:00

1. The variety of birds I got to see at my parents' house

2. Elliet's excitement watching the birds and learning their names

3. Good fudge

4. Big family dinners

5. Kids who want me to always be their mom

87

2009-05-08T20:54:00.002-04:00

1. Kindergarten Mother's Day projects

2. Good Chinese food

3. Forgiving friends (friends who are forgiving, that is)

4. Those odd memories of the dead that spring up at the strangest times

5. Trader Joe's

Afternoon Activity

2009-05-06T16:09:00.006-04:00

Earlier this week I stopped at Subway with the girls. Their low-fat subs are okay but I recommend adding some vinegar and a little of your own low-cal mayo at home. But I digress. When we got out to the parking lot the girls saw a smear of blue on the ground. I know this because nobody would get (the hell) in the van so I was forced to investigate. I told them I thought it looked like a crayon had melted. They were so interested in this "melting crayon" business that I went on to tell them that you could make! things! with melted crayons. So in the next hour or so I heard "when are we melting crayons" no less than thirty times. So this is how we did it. From my own memory and with a little help from google.

Getting the crayons peeled and shaved is the first step. You might remember using a pencil sharpener to do this when you were little. Maybe you did and maybe pencil sharpeners are different now. Whatever the case, trust me, you'll want to use a cheese grater, the side with the small holes. Your kids will ooh and aah and think it's really neat when you lift the grater and the shavings are in the shape of a rectangle.

The next step is to sprinkle the shavings onto a piece of wax paper.

This is a good time to corral the baby, perhaps with puffs. Babies like crayon shavings and crayon shavings like the floor.

When they are finished (or you decide they are finished because they start fighting or getting more shavings on the floor than the paper) it's time to melt! Lay another sheet of wax paper over the top of the design. Slide this onto a dish towel and lay another dish towel over the top.
Iron the design on the lowest or almost lowest setting. Keep it moving and check it frequently.

If one of the children carefully makes a heart design but it melts into one big glob of color, do not fret! All is not lost! Mama can fix this!
If you cut them into designs I'd recommend then laminating them with book tape. Some pieces will break off and fall out. After the kids see how beautiful their pictures look, wow them even more by holding it up to a window.

If you melt it too long it will look gray and will take on the texture of the dish towel. If this happens to you I recommend surprising the artist by turning it into her initial!

86

2009-05-06T16:03:00.002-04:00

Okay so I totally slacked off. What started out as a refreshing and even exciting challenge got really boring and I started to hate it. So I'm starting over, maybe a little break when I need it will help me get through the whole year.

1. Usbourne books

2. Maine. I could kiss your governor today!

3. Grilled chicken

4. Teethers you can freeze

5. Zyrtec

She

2009-04-30T21:09:00.003-04:00

She was my friend. A different kind of friend. She was a friend in the melodramatic way that only teenagers can experience. She was broken, we all were. She felt too much of everything and not enough of what she needed. When I saw her I saw myself. She gave me what I needed. I needed freedom. I needed to say what was inside without judgment, without repercussion. And that's what she gave me. We never spoke we only wrote. I knew her, really knew her and I felt like -finally- there was someone who knew me. And she still loved me. And I loved her like she lived somewhere deep inside me. That's how it felt. Like part of her soul was intermingled with mine. When I saw her, the times when we were both pretending, she was someone else and I fell in love with that part of her person as well. I can still conjure her laugh, her smile. And my breath still catches when I do.
But she is not who she was. Maybe in some ways she is, I don't know. We all changed, we had to. But I recognize the others. I don't know who she is now. And her laugh sounds different.

85

2009-04-22T20:11:00.002-04:00

1. Jungle Jims' oatmeal whoopie pies

2. Yo Gabba Gabba. I had no idea what we were missing. We don't have cable so if you love me you'll send me the dvds

3. Kenai said they were playing basketball at church but she couldn't "dunkle"

4. Finally moving forward with something I should have done ten years ago. Then again, maybe we're all better equipped for it now

5. A surprisingly funny movie. (Ghost Town, i <3 Ricky Gervais)

Mommy's Job

2009-04-20T14:01:00.002-04:00

"That's not your job"
This phrase gets plenty of use seeing as it's the easiest way to tell the kids to back off. Kid being bossy? It's not your job to tell her what to do. That's Mommy's job"
The most recent example?
Do not throw shoes at the dog, that's Mommy's job.

84

2009-04-19T19:30:00.003-04:00

1. Woodpeckers

2. An answer to my celery problem. They're called stalks! (thanks, Swistle)

3. Seeing an old friend

4. Meeting her new baby

5. New friends who make me workout

Yep, I skipped a couple. I know you're here everyday. Waiting. Now that I've skipped I can give up my goal of posting them every day for a year. It was a big goal and one I'm not sorry to let go of!

83

2009-04-16T22:20:00.002-04:00

1. Dirt under my fingernails

2. My face getting warm under the sun

3. Elliet, the squeamish child who is terrified of bugs, holding an earthworm. She even said, "awww"

4. Freshly weeded flower beds

5. Muddy shoes on the front porch

101 Uses For Ham

2009-04-16T10:18:00.003-04:00

Last week I bought my first ham. It was spiral sliced, smoked and had honey somewhere. It was really cheap because now that Aldi has had a makeover I can buy perishables without shuddering. For the first few days we just pulled slices straight off the ham and heated them up or ate them cold. It's pretty good for maybe three days. After that you're left with more than half a ham and a family that is thinking of skipping Easter to avoid the ham being served.
So I needed to do something with it. Ham and beans! Easily one of the best dishes using ham. What else? I've never made split pea soup, let's try that!

I started with the stock. Jt had trimmed the meat off the bone (leaving a nice bit on there) so I put it in my biggest pot which is now not very big since Jt ruined his second piece of cookware not long ago and it happened to be my nice, big stock pot. Anyway, in goes the ham bone with water to the rim of the pot. Add celery and half an onion, the first onion I've EVER purchased and cut in my own kitchen. Blech. Salt and pepper and simmer all day.
Around dinner-time I diced some carrots and celery and cooked it in a little oil. Next time I'll skip the oil and simmer the veggies in broth which is what I ended up doing anyway. I poured two cans or chicken broth into the pan with the veggies and put it at a near boil until it was all soft. Next goes the ham, chopped small, and four cans of canellini beans, rinsed and drained. You can use any white bean, I just happened to have these in the cabinet. (I was going to make Garlicky White Beans and Kale from The Expatriate's Kitchen but never got around to it) Since the stock was still simmering in the pot I poured four or five big ladlefulls into the beans. Then I topped off the stock with more water since I had a few more hours I could let it simmer.
These came out really good. Jt eats his with ketchup (ew) and my mom said she sometimes puts a tiny bit in when she first makes it.

On to the split peas. I haven't had this in ages but I liked it as a kid and I love anything that can be made in the crockpot. I put this together that same night so that I wouldn't have to find room in the fridge for the ham stock. If you wait, you can chill the stock and skim off the fat.
In the bottom of the crockpot I put chopped celery with the leaves, maybe three good size...things (any idea what those are called?), about a cup of carrots, diced small, and two crushed garlic cloves. Then goes two bags of rinsed split peas. I poured all of the stock over the top. I'm not sure how much broth there was except that once everything was in there it was very close to overflowing. I'd suggest using one bag of split peas and less broth but I wanted to use up the broth. (I just looked it up and you'll want 1-1/2 quarts of liquid for 1# of peas) I cooked it on low for 10 hours. Stir it really well when it's finished to break up the peas even more. This came out very, very good. The kids didn't like it and Jt hasn't tried it yet but I like it so whatever.

82

2009-04-15T23:02:00.003-04:00

1. Children's ibuprofen for the one with the sore neck

2. Infant's ibuprofen for the one with the teething

3. Extra Strength Excedrin for the one with the headache

4. Pepcid complete for the one with the spicy dinner

5. Ibuprofen for the one with the muscle pain (from that damn Jillian)

81

2009-04-14T23:21:00.002-04:00

1. Sending the kindergartener back to school

2. Time alone with Kenai, watercolors, a batch of muffins and a sink full of soapy water

3. Automatic nightlights

4. My new down comforter

5. An updated MySpace profile

80

2009-04-13T22:41:00.003-04:00

1. Clean kitchen

2. Making a good dinner without a recipe

3. Laundry running

4. Another parent offering to take Elliet to her field trip

5. Tomorrow's dinner in the crockpot

79

2009-04-12T21:56:00.002-04:00

1. A joke passed between good friends with only a look

2. Homemade mac and cheese

3. Fat, roasted asparagus

4. Grandpa recording video of the kids:

G: Say "Happy Easter!"
Elliet: "Happy Easter!"
G: Kenai, say "Happy Easter!"
Kenai: Happy Easter!
G: Jayden, say "Happy Easter"
Jayden: Nope!

5. Cottage cheese

78

2009-04-11T22:57:00.002-04:00

1. Easter choirs

2. Little girls in their Easter dresses

3. Little boys with clip-on ties

4. The two out of thirty kids who say Jesus is their favorite part of Easter. Yeah, sure. Whatever, kid

5. Kindergarten altar calls

77

2009-04-10T23:03:00.000-04:00

Companies that are making my life easier

1. The place hold feature at the library

2. Ikea's Smaland

3. The mini carts at Kroger

4. Walgreen's pharmacy drive-thru

5. Target's popcorn and Icee deal

76

2009-04-09T22:15:00.002-04:00

1. Frisch's cherry coke

2. Frisch's ice - it's small and sort of...soft

3. Frisch's ranch dressing

4. Frisch's hot fudge cake

5. Frisch's french toast with extra powdered sugar

Why no, the diet's not going so well. Why do you ask?

Purple for Maddie

2009-04-09T19:38:00.003-04:00

I didn't know about Maddie while she was alive. I'm sorry that I didn't because what a funny little cutie. She died suddenly and unexpectedly. So the blog is going purple in her honor for a little while.
There are pictures of Maddie here or visit the family's website, Remember Maddie.

Donate to the family (Paypal - send money to formaddie@hotmomreviews.com) or donate in Maddie's honor to The March of Dimes

75

2009-04-08T22:19:00.004-04:00

1. New baby goats

2. New baby calves and the way they stretch their heads waaaay up so I can scratch their necks

3. The little hop new baby calves do when they want to get somewhere

4. Crazy goat eyes

5. The one little goat who would only take one little piece of food at a time

74

2009-04-07T23:04:00.002-04:00

1. A good stroller

2. Dinner of hot dogs at Ikea

3. The new couch was delivered today

4. The love seat we got in college whose prior life was in a hotel is now at the curb

5. The teething, SCREAMING baby is finally asleep

73

2009-04-06T22:56:00.005-04:00

1. Thoroughly enjoying Elliet's spring break

2. Found the cutest jacket for Ziva at Target today

3. Fresh sheets

4. Penn Station fries

5. A new rose bush

Tardy 72

2009-04-05T21:01:00.007-04:00

You may have noticed that I missed two days of Gracing. Or maybe you didn't and I've outed myself. Either way I'm here to explain that Friday night I was recovering from a nasty stomach bug. Saturday night I was re-learning how to knit and I completely forgot to post (as opposed to forgetting just a little?)

I have been wanting to pick up the needles again for a while now. I tend to focus better on things when my hands are busy. I learned this about myself when I was working in a parking garage downtown. I occasionally had a shift with one of our friends who liked to listen to books on tape. I have NEVER listened to a book. I cannot retain a single piece of information if I hear it and do not DO something with it. I religiously take notes in school or church even though I rarely go back through them. So when our friend would listen to his books I would play a handheld solitaire game. I found myself following his book because some part of my brain was occupied with the game.

Anyway. I also have a killer addictive nature. I have been addicted to so many things it's not even funny. I'm hoping to replace my habit of eating -any time I'm not moving- with the knitting. It's harder to eat that way. Yes, I've already tried.
I started with this tutorial by Jen at Amazing Trips who happens to be one of my favorite bloggers. I also watched this video.

And now on to Grace
1. I've already come this far with my knitting!

2. While it does have to be earned by a night of horrible, acid puking the day spent in bed recovering is pretty nice

3. I'm in another good book, The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman

4. Tonight at dinner I traded Kenai some of my omelet for a piece of bacon while Jedd traded Elliet toast with jam for a piece of her bacon

5. The other night Ziva found one of Kerewin's squeaky toys and scared herself when it squeaked

71

2009-04-02T21:11:00.002-04:00

1. Thunderstorms at night

2. Anticipating how the air will smell when I walk out tomorrow morning

3. Dark Willow (why yes, I am a Buffy geek)

4. Late night beer/formula runs

5. Living in a neighborhood where nobody looks at you twice when you're buying beer and baby formula

70

2009-04-01T22:45:00.002-04:00

We'll just call today Humor in Small Things. A day so ridiculous I had to laugh at it

1. After I showered, I went to bathe Ziva. On the way to the tub I undid her diaper with one hand. It was not just wet. It got on my shirt

2. On the way to Kenai's therapy I drove through for a diet coke. Which spilled directly into my lap

3. When we got home from therapy and I was getting ready to put both(!) girls down for a nap Elliet's teacher called. Could I bring in a change of clothes?

4. Load up the girls. Bring new clothes to the school. Found her usual spare set still clean in her school bag

5. Decide to go to Target to kill an hour since the girls missed their first nap window. Run in the house to get a bottle for Ziva. The dog has torn into the favors I put together for Elliet's Easter party. Clean it up. Get the bottle. Get outside and Kenai's squealing. I NEED TO GO POTTY!!!

69

2009-03-31T21:51:00.003-04:00

1. Magic Bullet. And I don't mean the blender

2. Bathtubs built for two

3. The right music

4. Private patios

5. Freshly shaved legs

It's post number 69 after all

68 - I <3 houseplants

2009-03-30T23:08:00.002-04:00

1. My purple heart plant from Jen

2. My umbrella plant from my mother-in-law

3. The heartleaf philodendron I took from my sister's room when she left for college. She's 38

4. My rubber plant from Jen. It's really sad looking but I love it so I just keep trying

5. My new shamrock

67

2009-03-29T22:21:00.003-04:00

1. I will be watching (watching NOT HAVING) a brand new baby come the end of the year

2. We're getting a really nice armoire in exchange for some of that babysitting

3. I've got some blooming hyacinths

4. I spotted the girl from Sarah Connor Chronicles on Angel
(you'll learn-if you haven't already-that I LOVE when I can spot people in bit parts)

5. I made the Beer Braised Pork and Black Beans again tonight only with the right amount of liquid and they are soooo good

66

2009-03-28T22:39:00.006-04:00

1. The complete suckiness of the acting in Twilight has exceeded even my very low expectations. The train wreck is entertaining

2. I got to babysit the cutest little guy today

3. Ziva tried to steal his binky

4. We can't stop laughing at Jasper. He reminds me of Edward Scissorhands but even more he reminds me of Kyle xy

5. Alec Baldwin on SNL. Nobody does it better

65

2009-03-27T23:35:00.002-04:00

1. Turtle Chex Mix (thanks a lot Jenn, don't think I've forgotten that you're the one that got me hooked!)

2. Cut daffodils on clearance

3. I spotted Denny (from Grey's but you already knew that) on Angel. He looked way different

4. One of the couples in our Bible study do not censor their language and that makes me ridiculously happy

5. Good coaches

64

2009-03-26T21:41:00.002-04:00

1. City Barbecue

2. Jt working out the knots in my back

3. Even though I heard it over and OVER in the car today I will never regret teaching the girls "Guess what? Chicken Butt"

4. Elliet made her own PB&J today

5. Diet Dr. Pepper

63

2009-03-25T22:24:00.003-04:00

1. We brought about 30 books to the waiting area where Kenai has therapy

2. The smell of rain

3. Just finished a good book - Bones of Faerie

4. Gazed at our old houses on Google street view

5. Elliet pet a snake at school today and she liked it!

62 - Grace in Small Easter Candy

2009-03-24T21:17:00.002-04:00

1. Peeps

2. Freckled Eggs

3. Brach's jelly beans

4. Cadbury eggs

5. Robin eggs

61

2009-03-23T22:14:00.002-04:00

1. Sleeping til 9:15 on a Monday

2. Curly fries dipped in cheese sauce

3. Talking to the girls on Skype

4. Ramen noodles. Total comfort food. I like the beef flavor with a little soy sauce. And I use chopsticks. It's part of the comfort

5. The Reader Next button for Google Reader

60

2009-03-22T20:41:00.002-04:00

1. Cornify. The button is over there ------> on the sidebar
(via Suburban Bliss)

2. My parents came down and took the two girls home with them for a night or two

3. We picked out our couch (here)

4. Jt took off Monday so we have a three-day weekend

5. Grilled scallops

59

2009-03-21T23:06:00.002-04:00

1. Ziva started blowing raspberries today

2. Had so much fun messing around with Elliet tonight

3. Our firstborn seems to be as much a smartass as her parents

4. Ziva's attempts at crawling look like Bambi on the ice pond

5. PERFECT weather (cool and sunny)

58

2009-03-20T21:26:00.000-04:00

1. The pleasure of doing a thorough job

2. The excitement/fear of a new commitment

3. Good coffee with a heavy splash of cream

4. Hungarian goulash

5. Four Square, the game that is

Grace in Small Things - 57

2009-03-19T22:38:00.002-04:00

1. Aveeno Intense Relief hand cream

2. St. Ives Gentle Apricot Scrub

3. Curel Nourishing Lotion with Honey, Vanilla and Shea Butter Extracts

4. Maybelline Express Finish nail polish

5. Aveda Air Control hair spray

Grace in Small Things - 56

2009-03-18T21:41:00.002-04:00

1. A mom who does my dishes

2. A mom who does my laundry

3. A mom who hauls my shit to the Salvation Army

4. A mom who brings homemade corned beef and cabbage

5. A mom who takes home the rest of the corned beef and cabbage so as not to screw up my diet

Grace in Small Things - 55

2009-03-17T22:17:00.003-04:00

1. Buying our way out of a school candy sale

2. The Spring bulbs popping out of the ground

3. My new shamrock blooming in the kitchen window

4. The girls finally ate, and liked, something I made (chili)

5. New music for the gym
Kelly Clarkson-My Life Would Suck Without You
P!nk-So What
Britney (yes, Britney)-Circus
Kanye-Stronger
Panic! At The Disco-I Write Sins Not Tragedies
Fatboy Slim-The Rockafeller Skank
Drowning Pool-Bodies

Politicking At It's Worst

2009-03-17T15:41:00.000-04:00

March 7
13 year old Esme Kenney left her house to go for a quick jog. She never came home.

Occasionally a tragedy occurs that leaves me reeling a bit even though I am not directly effected by it. When that happens I usually post about it. I had not planned on posting about this one and I will ~~tell~~ show you why:

Esme

Elliet

I think it's the shape of their eyes but that picture of Esme haunts me. I have not been following the story very closely. I've avoided news coverage. I don't want to feel what I suspect I will feel if I really let myself experience this story. So I had not planned to post about Esme.

Then I happened to catch a little bit of a news conference held by Hamilton County prosecutor Joe Deters. I cannot fathom what would possess a person to take something like this and turn it into a political issue. If you told me that someone was doing just that...well, Deters would make my top five potentials. Here's what he had to say:

"I hope the citizens wake up, because we're heading to catastrophe if they don't deal with violent criminals," he stated.

Calling both cases upsetting and tragic, Deters said citizens need to pay attention when budget woes close prisons and jails.

"The level of violence we're seeing in Cincinnati and Hamilton County comes as no surprise to many of us, and if citizens think these are isolated incidents, when you close prisons and when you shut down jails, you're wrong," Deters stated. (source)

His us-versus-them language is offensive. His assertion that Hamilton County's citizens don't understand the problem of jail overcrowding is offensive. Suggesting that Esme Kenney is dead because we refuse to fund more jails is false and wrong and the worst kind of fear mongering.

I was tempted to spin this post into a rant about the drug war and in fact spent much of my morning reading up on prison population statistics. (Did you know that in 2007 there were 775,137 arrests for possession of marijuana?) But the fact is, the problem with what Deters said has nothing to do with the drug war. It's not even about jail overcrowding. The problem is that he tried to use this tragedy to scare voters into funding a new jail. In doing so he turns Esme into some kind of mascot and he turns the citizens of Ohio into villains.

Grace in Small Things 54

2009-03-16T21:46:00.002-04:00

1. Acorns

2. Aussie leave-in conditioner

3. Salt and pepper shakers

4. Aquaphor

5. Jacket weather