Moving Day!

Alright, friends. I'm moving to Word Press so this is my final post here. Please send me an email vegas710 at gmail dot com if you'd like to continue reading. I know that's a pain but I'm hoping it will make some things easier for me.
See you there!
UPDATE: I continued this blog at Playa Minded

Question For You

My inlaws have offered to take my children for a week or so. I'm reluctant to be away from them but as my therapy progresses I'm finding it may be necessary. If I have nothing to do I fear I'll fall into deeper depression without my girls here. So I'm wondering, what the hell would you do, at your house, with no children and no work?

Musings

The Christian God makes no sense to me. He used to be angry and vengeful and then he had his Son brutally murdered and now it's hunky-dory? Someone told me recently about how she realized that we read into things in the Bible. For instance, it doesn't say that a sacrifice was required *by God* from Cain and Abel. I guess I take that further and combine it with the strong sense I have that the Bible was written by men. I'm not sure I believe much of the Old Testament. So why did Jesus use the Old Testament to present Himself? He had to choose a people who needed a Messiah and who might listen so He chose the Jews. He proceeded to teach them how to live. If I read the words of Jesus alone, I believe the things He said, the parts I understand anyway. But would the Jews have believed if He hadn't gone to the cross? Reading the Old Testament it sounds like they would not have believed if He hadn't been a literal sacrifice.
So what does that mean for me? For all of us? I don't know. The best I can come up with is to live the way He lived and the way He taught us to live. If that happens to coincide with the way Muhammad or Gandhi taught us to live then good. If it coincides with what you believe about how we treat each other regardless of religion or belief in a Higher Power then good.
That's as far as I've come. I don't know where this is taking me.
We rearranged our room yesterday to accommodate my new night stand. As I sorted through books I set a small Message version of the Bible on top of my new night table. Will I open it? I guess we'll see.

Flowers from the Children

Coping Mechanisms-I haz dem

I guess if I had good coping skills I wouldn't be medicated. Who knows. But I have plenty of bad coping mechanisms. Self-injury, drinking, smoking, drugs if I could get ahold of them, binge eating (if only I could figure out how to purge), and SPENDING. While I was in college, Jt and I broke up for about a year. I racked up thousands in credit card debt just buying crap. I mean, clothes? I don't like buying clothes! Lucky for us, my spending binges include bargain hunting.
So I just came off a little Amazon bender. I got a night table (I really did need one), a fitness ball (recommended by my physical therapist), a great book I'd been eying for the kids (did you know that "eying" was spelled that way? looks weird to me), a new crock pot (I wanted to give mine to Flipper), these kick-ass Keens, my first ever pair:












There was also the graphic novel for The Vampire Lestat and then these arrived today:






The next seasons of Angel and Buffy in graphic novel form!


And the Piez De Resistance:



If we are facebook friends you know that I've been watching this episode of Buffy almost obsessively (hey! another coping mechanism!). This is the soundtrack. The girls and I listened to it already and Elliet and I read along in the lyrics.
Thus ends this period of bingey-type spending.

Friday Confessional

Bless me readers for I have sinned. I'm smoking again. I only smoke at night so as to avoid the children. Of course, they are smarter than me and figured it out. Still, I'll only smoke outside at night so that they don't get anything secondhand from my clothes. I did this last time I crashed as well and found it relatively easy to quit after about three months. Kenai was a baby during that time so I would smoke during her nap and then shower and change my clothes! I'm embarrassed to be doing this and was hoping if I only did it after dark my neighbors wouldn't see but I believe they have so I'm outed anyway.

Leave your confession here, it's good for your soul.

**Added: check out the counter in the sidebar. And then go throw up. Ugh**

Things I've Learned

I've learned that it is SO much easier to make the bed when you have a gorgeous new duvet.

I've learned that Trader Joe's Maple Leaf Cookies should have a sin tax.

I've learned that I prefer talking with people who can at least TRY to see both sides.

I've learned that women are AMAZING. I don't understand how we ended up a patriarchal society.

I've learned that spider bites can lead to infections.

I've learned that many people don't care about the fourteenth amendment.

I've learned that homeschooling is kinda cool.

I've learned that beer is goooood.

Wait, no, I already knew that.

Friends! and! Presents!

I have a group of women who I like to chat with online. We've built some real relationships and sometimes I don't know what I would do without them. They've been there to support me, even in the middle of the night when I was in crisis mode. I've had the pleasure of meeting some of them in real life and I count them as real friends. For Mother's Day we had a secret gift exchange. I love giving and getting presents so this was great fun for me! I sent my friend a necklace from Etsy seller, LycheeKiss. She's got some other gorgeous pieces and very reasonable prices! Here is my friend Elisa wearing the necklace.

The gift I received was a little late because of a seller issue but the anticipation was fun! I also received a necklace from Etsy, this one from the seller, birdzNbeez. I LOVE it.

It's a beautifully etched locket with four flowers in different
shades of green and a lovely little silver bird.

A sweet little added touch is the heart at the clasp.

Hey Beautiful

Where you been all my life?

I don't remember if this beauty came from Aldi or from my dad. It didn't bloom at all for a year or two but it currently has three blossoms!

More on Spiritual Homelessness

So. Still haven't attended a new church. I'm not sure I need one right now. When I decide to go I am going to try a "God is Still Speaking" UCC nearby and then a local UU. We'll see.
As for now? I believe nothing, I disbelieve nothing. But I feel like I cannot believe in the traditional God of the Bible. So where does that leave me? He's not gonna come here and speak to me no matter how hard I pray so I'm thinking, Deism. Or maybe Agnosticism. I kinda like that better since there's no faith required.
When I look for "proof" of God, I find NOTHING. I see life and I am amazed. But I am more amazed when I think it was species evolving than when I think that something created it to perform that way. Today I explained to Elliet how flowers reproduce. It's amazing! But it's amazing with or without God!
I can't find a reason to believe right now. In anything.
Any ideas?